Conscious Contact

                        For me, the CONSCIOUS CONTACT is a personal relationship with God in this moment and at this time.  I do not look back in regret and I don't look forward in fear, as through the grace of God in this moment I have relinquished my human nature. My human instincts are no longer propelling my thought process but rather my thought process is propelled by the will of God through inspiration.
               The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "we may face indecision, we might not be able to determine which course to take.  Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision.  We are often surprised how the right answers will come after we have tried this for awhile.  What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.  We find our thinking will be as time passes more and more on the plane of inspiration.  We come to rely upon it."  The dictionary defines inspiration as "the thoughts of God implanted upon the mind and soul of man."  I don't need to run the thoughts of God through my intellect as I instantaneously perceive them as truth.  The question becomes, will I be obedient.  Is my behavior going to be propelled by the will of God or is my behavior going to be propelled by my human instincts.  The back half of the Eleventh Step says "praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out" as my human nature will never do the will of God.
                It is here that a recovered alcoholic lives, in the will of God through a CONSCIOUS CONTACT.

The Real Problem

                        Alcoholics Anonymous what a beautiful program.  Not only does it relieve us of our uncontrollable use of alcohol but the program can be applied to each and every problem in our lives.
               I came to A A because I had a desire not to drink alcohol but could not stop drinking it.  Also alcohol was impacting severely on my life, specifically my mind and my body.  I discovered through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol of itself was not the problem, that alcohol was but a symptom of the problem.  THE REAL PROBLEM is self centered fear, afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted, afraid that I would lose what I had.
              When any of our human instincts are threatened we overreact but when we make a decision in the Third Step to turn our thoughts and are actions over to the care of God, we are really on our way to a serene and peaceful live.  The integration of the remaining steps into our lives leads us to a place where we are praying and meditating on a daily basis.  Praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.  In this moment in the will of God I will not drink and in God's hands all my problems will be solved.  There is a solution to THE REAL PROBLEM , that one is God may you find God now.  In the will of God we do not overreact when we perceive that  our human instincts are threatened as we are trusting in God, safe and serene        
 

Trust The Key Component Of Belief

To believe, we have to trust.  Trust is the key component of belief. When I was a teenager I broke my relationship with God. It was a relationship that had developed through the early religious training I received in Catholic grade school.  The fact that I broke my relationship with God did not change that I always believed in God.  I believed in God even while I was living the life of an addict -- in utter pandemonium. My behaviors had nothing to do with my belief in Him.  It was my lack of trust in Him which led me astray from a relationship with Him for so long. Trust, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something". 

To have such certainty for the Supreme Power requires humility, exactly that which the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous give us.  The incorporation of the steps of such a program into our lives begins to break down our egos so that humility (and all the many benefits from it) can seep into our lives. After some time we actually develop a hunger for it.  I have learned in my experience with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that humility is the key that unlocks the door to the grace of God.  It is only through this grace that we remain sober and recovered from our addictions and the manifestation of our character defects.  Our egos must be deflated and our human desires subrogated to the will of God.  Belief is necessary of course,  but trust is essential.  

TRUST IS THE KEY COMPONENT OF BELIEF.     

Serenity

                             I have committed myself to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as I have realized that the program of AA must come first in my life and along with that comes a personal relationship with God that allows me to have the opportunity of SERENITY regardless of what is occurring around me.  Serenity is the absence of conflict in my thoughts
              The Step Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says it so well.   "We are no longer frightened and purposeless.  The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice and love as the eternal things in life we are no longer disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs.  We know that God lovingly watches over us."
             By integrating the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into our lives in such a way that they become our life and manifesting the principles of that in our behavior we have the opportunity to have a serene and safe life as joy is not the absence of sorrow but the presence of God and with that comes SERENITY.

Moral Psychology

                            The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter The Doctors Opinion features a letter given by Dr. William Silkworth, Medical Director of Townes Hospital in New York City., a renowned hospital in the care of alcoholism.  One of the founders of AA and the primary author of the Big Book Bill W., was under Dr. Silkworths care on three separate occasions.  In this letter he states "we Dr.'s have realized for a long time that some form of  MORAL PSYCHOLOGY was of urgent importance to alcoholics and that unless the alcoholic can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope for recovery."  Dr. Silkworth and his colleagues believed that not only did the thought processes of the mind have to be transformed but the source of what powered the thought processes of the mind had to change.  The American Dictionary defines psychology as the science of the thought processes and behavior.  Further it defines moral as virtuous.  Therefore the thought processes of the mind had to become virtuous.  In order for this to occur, the mind of the alcoholic could no longer be propelled by the human nature or human instinct but rather by the will of God through inspiration.  In the back half of the Eleventh Step we are "praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out."
               This is the crux of the solution to our alcoholism, a transformed thought process enabled by the grace of God.   

Forming And Sustaining Relationships

                
                Step Four in the Step Book describes the condition well.  "It is from our twisted relations with family, friends and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.  We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them.  The primary fact that we failed to recognize was our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being."
                I went through my entire life unable to interact with others on an intimate level, incapable of allowing others to experience me as I truly am and unwilling to allow others to share with me their true self.  I would present to the world what I thought the world needed to see in me so I could feel good about myself.  In the past, the relationships I did have were of the type, when I was done taking from them what I wanted and they were done taking from me what they wanted, well then, the relationship was over.  I was incapable of FORMING AND SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS in an honest and caring way with other human beings.  The greatest gift I have received from developing a personal relationship with God through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the ability to interact with other human beings at an honest and true level  thereby FORMING AND SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS  that are caring and loving.  This occurs for us as we are now able to be the human being God created us to be thereby maximizing our human potential.

To Know Peace

                           In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says "either God is or he isn't, either God is everything or He is nothing.  What is our choice to be?"  When I came to the point in my recovery where I have no desire to turn back to my old life but I am are fearful of  letting  go of my nature and living in the will of God, it is at this precise point that the above statement has to be answered.   I may have answered in the affirmative earlier in my recovery but it is only now that I fully understand what is being asked of me , or rather required of me.   If I am to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, if I am to be free of  manifesting my human defects in my behavior, if I am to live a life where I am tolerant and loving of all but never accepting of evil,  to live a life free of fear, anxiety and anger, to be respected and loved, to have a spirit of charity and forgiveness, to know joy not because everything in my life is as my human nature thinks it ought to be but because God is with me.  Joy is not the absence of sorrow but the presence of God.
                 For the first time in my life I am fully alive as the Spirit is fully awakened within me and I have become the human being that God created me to be,  thereby maximizing my human potential as I am free of conflict and at peace.
                I am aware of what is required of me, and I have answered yes, God is everything.

The Resentment Prayer

                                  I found that in compiling my Fourth Step resentment list, the best way to deal with resentment was to pray for and forgive those on my list.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter How It Works it states "we realize that the people who had wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.  Though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they like ourselves were sick to.  We ask God to help us grant  them the same tolerance, pity and patience we would grant a sick friend.  When a person offended we said to ourselves, perhaps this is a sick person, how can I be helpful to them.  God save me from being angry, thy will be done.  God will show us how to take a kind and tolerant view of each and everyone."  As we draw closer to God, in most situations this begins to happen automatically.  
                  As an alcoholic we find that resentment is the number one offender to a serene and peaceful life.
If we are to have a state of consciousness that is clear and free of conflict, if we are to lead an alcohol free life, a life where resentment is not causing conflict in our mind and therefore not manifested in our behavior than we must let go of our human resentments and there often is no way possible without the help of God. 

Step Six - Key Questions Step Seven - The Basic Ingrdient

                
                 Having completed Steps One through Five, there are some fundamental recovery questions in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that must be answered before we can move on.
                                     
                               1) Have we omitted anything?
                               2) Is our work solid so far?
                               3) Are the stones properly in place?
                               4) Have we skipped on the cement put into the foundation? 
                               5) Have we tried to make motor without sand?
If we can answer these questions in the affirmative, then we have completed the first five steps in such a way that we have acquired the humility necessary to be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
                  The Big Book of AA states "if we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six.  We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable.  Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable?  Can God now take them all, every one?  If we can answer in the affirmative we have then completed Step Six.


                 The Seventh Step of Alcoholics Anonymous is "humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."  In the Step Book it states "this lack of anchorage to any permanent values, this blindness to the true purpose of our lives produced another bad result, for just as long as we convinced ourselves that we could live by our own individual strength and intelligence, for just that long was a working faith in a higher power impossible.  This was true even though we believed God existed.  As long as we placed self reliance first a genuine reliance upon a higher power was impossible.  THE BASIC INGREDIENT of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will was missing."
                 I have learned through experience that belief in God is not enough, that we must trust in God in every area of our lives, even as our every day life unfolds.  The purpose of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is to bring us from a thought process propelled by our human desires to a thought process propelled by the will of God.  In the will of God our defects that exist in our human nature cannot possibly be manifested in our behavior.  And it is only through true humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, that can occur.  We can free ourselves from the bondage of self, we can trust in God in all things and if so we are protected from the disease of Alcoholism.   

Unique Disease

               
                Alcoholism is a UNIQUE DISEASE in that it is two fold.  We have a physical allergy which ensures that each and every time we put alcohol into our system, we'll get sick, we'll get drunk, we'll get into all kinds of trouble.  But more importantly we have a mental obsession which ensures that even though we don't want to drink, sooner or later our mind will tell us it's ok, we'll put the alcohol into our system, we'll trigger the physical allergy and we'll get drunk again.
              Dr. Silkworth, the chief medical benefactor of AA suggests that the thought process of the mind has to be transformed.  The thought process of the mind of an alcoholic must have a psychic change, and this change is essential and must be complete.  As Dr. Silkworth states "on the other hand and strange as this may seem, once a psychic change has occurred the very same person who seemed doomed, who has so many problems they despaired of ever solving them is easily able to control their desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."
             The transformation of thought that is necessary to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body occurs through the grace of God received by the practice of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
            Having admitted complete defeat, having admitted to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic, understanding that our human power could not overcome our alcoholism, having begun to trust in God as a solution to our problems we were now at Step Three as "I decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of God." Our will is our thoughts and our life is our behavior as we always think before we act.  "God I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt, relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will.  Take away from me my difficulties so that victory over them will bear witness to Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.  May I do Thy will always.
            A simple solution to a complicated and UNIQUE DISEASE            
 

Giving

                
                 Initially I had no idea, but to possess the qualities that many of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous possessed took a degree of humility, the characteristic I had none of as I was extremely prideful but now a characteristic I long to possess.
                In the book Alcoholics Anonymous Comes Of Age, in the historic visit to Bill W. from his boarding school chum Ebby T., who at the time had almost been committed for alcoholic insanity, was sober and came to share with Bill what had happened.  He outlined the precepts of the Oxford Group, one of which applies to humility.  He said I was told to practice Giving, the Giving of yourself to somebody.
               Personally, I have learned that it is humility which unlocks the door to the grace of God.  In order to grow in humility I must begin to let go of my selfish desires and begin to have a faith in God which eventually blossoms into a complete trust in God.  Trust in God initially is difficult, as through the course of my life I have used my instincts and my intellect to propel me through life.  But when I was faced with a self imposed crisis that I could not overcome with my human power I had to rely on a higher power.  As the Big Book says "we trust in infinite God rather than finite self.  Today in this day and in this time, I trust in God.  The development of this trust in God leads to a caring of others that was not possible for me before.  An alcoholic who is humble enough to trust in God knows that the Giving of self in the helping of others is a critical tool of recovery.   

Inspiration

                
                               In the chapter Into Action in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says "In thinking about our day we may face indecision.  We may not be able to determine which course to take.  Here we ask God for INSPIRATION, an intuitive thought or decision.  We don't struggle.  We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for awhile.  What used to be the hunch or the occasional INSPIRATION gradually becomes a working part of the mind.  Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God it is improbable that we are going to be inspired at all times.  Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes be more and more on the plane of INSPIRATION.  We come to rely upon it."
               It is in the conscious contact with God  that INSPIRATION may be received.  It is where a recovered alcoholic lives.
               INSPIRATION is defined in the dictionary as the thoughts of God implanted in the mind and soul of man.  When the thoughts of God is received in my soul I don't need to run them by my intellect, as I know immediately that they are the truth.  The question becomes, is my human nature surrendered to the will of God in this moment so that I am capable of receiving God's thoughts or is my thought process propelled by my human instinct.  A recovered alcoholic lives by INSPIRATION as their thought process is propelled by the will of God.
 

Am I Entirely Ready

                    The Sixth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous is "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."  The original draft used the word "willing" instead of entirely ready.  I found it helpful to incorporate both in my Sixth Step so that I have the willingness to be entirely ready.
                 As an alcoholic it is difficult for me to give up control, as I want to apply some sort of cognitive therapy or behavioral modification in an effort to control my defects.  For me this is like applying a band aid to a festering infection.  Control of our defects is not the issue but rather that these human defects are not to exist in our behavior, as it is our defects that are keeping us from the perfection that God seeks in us which is to be the human being that God created us to be, thereby maximizing our human potential. 
                 When we are in the will of God our human character defects which exist in our nature cannot possibly manifest themselves in our behavior.
                 Yes I am willing to be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

A Fifth Step Story

                   Having shared the Fifth Step with myself and another human being, having exhibited a sense of humility, having acquired a clarity of mind and a sense of peace I was emboldened to complete the final piece of the Fifth Step.  That is to admit to God the exact nature of my wrongs.  I met my sponsor at a small chapel and initially I was fine until he swung open the doors to the chapel and I looked down the center isle to the alter.  I became immediately aware of the quiet and the state of holiness about.  I froze for a moment and swallowed hard.  I fully realized that in the next few moments I would experience the most profound event I had ever participated in.  In this time and in this moment I was to seek the forgiveness of God for all I had done wrong in the past.  We slowly knelt down and my sponsor prayed in the way that only he can and when he was done praying I shared the exact nature of my wrongs with God.  I had completed the Fifth Step.
                 Since then I have participated in many Fifth Steps with people that I have read the Big Book with and it is such a humbling experience to be a part of.  It is when I feel the most helpful as a human being and the most complete.  Recently I did a Fifth Step with someone and as we were leaving the Church he said "I know that for centuries people like you have helped people like me do what we did today, but today was the day that I had the opportunity to participate in it."
                Yes it is a special experience to feel the nearness of God and to share that with another.  It is an experience that is not meant to be missed.  A complete cleansing of the past, a sense of forgiveness and a clean slate of life coupled with a new relationship with God.

Humility As A Recovery Tool

                 The basis of all the AA Steps is humility and the spirit of humility is necessary as our egos must be deflated.  Certainly admitting to our innermost self that we are alcoholic, learning to trust in God and making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God were all steps on the road to humility.  In the Fourth Step, identifying who we are and acceptance of that certainly was ego deflating and humbling.  But for me, the biggest step in accepting humility, although not the last , was the Fifth Step where I share my Fourth Step list, the deepest darkest side of myself with myself, God and another human being.  In the Seventh Step we are offering all of ourselves, the good and the bad, to God to do with us as God would have us do so that our human character defects will not manifest themselves in our behavior.  Another step in humility occurs as we go out and make our amends reconciling the wrongs we have done in the past.  And finally the Eleventh Step, where a recovered alcoholic resides, as we are praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out, can only be manifested in a humble spirit.
                  It is humility which unlocks the door to the grace of God and only through a humble spirit may we recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.  Humility is necessary.   

Admit And Accept

                 In the Step Book it says and this is paraphrased, a continuous look back at our liabilities and a real desire to grow by this means are necessities for us.  We alcoholics have learned this the hard way.  More experienced people of course, in all times and places, have practiced unsparing self survey and criticism.  For the wise have always known that no one can make much of one's life until self searching becomes a regular habit, until one is able to ADMIT AND ACCEPT what is found. 
                Through my daily inventory I can now admit and accept that my character defects are a part of my human nature, a part of my nature that cannot manifest itself if I am living in the will of God.  I have come to understand that my human nature is defected and I must accept this about myself.
                In the program of Alcoholics Anonymous it is often said "let go and let God."  The let go is turning from the incessant prompts of our human nature and the let God is living in and thereby manifesting the will of God.  In the will of God, the nature of God, our character defects cannot be manifested in our behavior and it is here that our nature has been perfected as we have become the human being that God created us to be.
               Self survey is a powerful tool of recovery.  

The Eigth Step - Another Chance To Pray For And Forgive

                  In the Fourth Step as I began working with the four column inventory of my resentments, fears and sexual conduct, my sponsor suggested that I begin to pray for and to forgive all those on my lists.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a prayer for each of these lists, three prayers in total.
                 The Eighth Step  "made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"  is ANOTHER CHANCE TO PRAY FOR AND TO FORGIVE all those on my lists and to begin doing the same with new situations which may arise.  We are already in possession of an Eighth Step list extracted from our Fourth Step inventory.  As we begin to pray for and to forgive all I am making a beginning on Steps Eleven and Twelve.
                  Prayer and forgiveness are essential tools if we are to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body  We learned in the Fourth Step that resentments toward others is the number one offender to a relationship with God, as we are called to love all, although we are never to be accepting of evil.
                The Eighth Step provides for us ANOTHER CHANCE TO PRAY FOR AND TO FORGIVE all those on our lists which is necessary to bring the Spirit to our Ninth Step amends,      

The Folly Of Control

                   The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous says "as alcoholics our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls, either we insist on dominating people or we depend upon them for to much.  If we lean to much on people they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human to and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.  In this way our insecurity festers and grows.  When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires they revolt and resist us heavily.  Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, a sense to retaliate.  As we redouble our efforts at control and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.  We have not sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a successful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap or to hide underneath it.  This self centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with anyone of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."
                It is in the letting go of self and trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are and allows us to relinquish control.  The greatest gift I have received from the program of A.A. is to have true and honest relations with those around me.  We can learn how to interact with others through our interaction with God in the Eleventh Step.  We can learn how to love and how to allow ourselves to be loved   We can learn not to interact with other peoples personalities which we can like or dislike, but rather to interact with that part of them that is good, that is God.
              It is in the letting go of self and in the trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are  and ourselves as we are.  This allows us not only to relinquish control but to have no need or desire to control.

      

   

The Purpose Of Step Four

            In the Third Step we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.  The Fourth Step is the next step in the process, the purpose of which is to find out what it is about me that is keeping the grace of God from my life.  It is through the grace of God that the healing occurs.

           Many spiritual traditions include a deep and thorough look at the past to discover the truth of what is uncovered.  Alcoholics Anonymous is no different. As we work through the Fourth Step we may get the sense that the completed program of Alcoholics Anonymous will allow us possibly for the first time, to be living our lives as God originally intended us to - free of the manifestation in our behavior of resentment, fear and anxiety.  We will then become the human beings God created us to be and we will maximize our human potential, as the manifestation of our human nature is perfected in the will of God.

Written by Armand
   

Motivation To Complete Step Nine

                The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "we have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends.  Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in our past.  We attempt to sweep away the debris that has accumulated out of our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves.  If we haven't the will to do so , we ask until it comes ( a ninth step prayer).   Remember, it was agreed upon at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."   It was difficult for me to find the person to share my Fourth Step with and to share the exact nature of my wrongs with God.  However, I did and I found a sense of relief through the power of  forgiveness.  Now, here I am at Step Nine and it is somewhat daunting but easier as now I have the experience of God on my side.   The Fifth Step brought a sense of relief, the beginning of a serene life and for the first time since I was a small boy, I felt the presence of God in my life.  So knowing that sobriety is not enough, that I desired to be recovered, that the solution is a vital spiritual experience, and having a relationship with God in whom I trust, I therefore had plenty of motivation and the desire to have the humility necessary to make amends to the people I had harmed.
                I learned through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous not to consider any harm they had done to me and besides it was much easier to do so, as I was praying for and forgiving those on my list.  In the Big Book it states "under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue.  Simply we tell them that we will never get over our drinking until we do our utmost to straighten out the past.  We are there to sweep off our side of the street realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell them what they must do."
               This is how I approached the Ninth Step.  I began with my immediate family, you know life is funny and things don't always occur in the proper sequence.  My father was deceased and he passed before I had any consciousness that I owed him amends.  So I went to his grave and there grieved over his death and our life together.   My Mom although alive was having serious cognitive problems and although I was able to make verbal amends to her the amends came as she sank deeper into her illness and I was able to care for her.  My sister who was shocked in my attempt to make amends to her, so that all she could say was really, really!  And on it went.  To those I could not see and to those that did not want to see me, I sent a sincere and complete letter and prayed for the best for them.  It really did become easier as I moved through the list.  In the Fifth Step, I began to feel serenity and now with the task complete, I had extricated myself, through the grace of God, from the past and I was free - maybe for the first time in my life.    

The Healing Of Fear

                    Having admitted that I was alcoholic, thereafter I soon found out that alcohol of itself was not my problem, that alcohol was but the manifestation of my problem.  The real problem was self centered fear, afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted, afraid that I was going to lose what I had.
                In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says " that when dealing with the fear problem or any other problem, perhaps there is a better way as we are now on a different basis , the basis of trusting and relying upon God.  We trust infinite God rather than finite self.  We are in the world to play the role God assigns.  Just to the extent we do as we think God would have us do and humbly rely on God, does God enable us to match calamity with serenity.  We never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator.  We can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness.  The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage   All possessors of faith have courage.  They trust their God.  We let God demonstrate through us what God can do.  We ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what we should be doing.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear."
               The integration of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into my life  lead to a personal relationship with God, before that fear haunted all of my being in all of my moments driving all of my decisions in an attempt to satiate my instincts as I was afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted, afraid that I was going to lose what I had.  Today in this moment that can change and will change for all of us if  we are in alignment with the will of God for us.  If so we will know a peace we have never before experienced.

How Will I Know God's Will For Me?

                
I am often asked,  HOW WILL I KNOW GOD'S WILL FOR ME.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "that it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times."  We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.  Nevertheless, we find that as time passes our thinking will be more and more on the plane of inspiration  We come to rely on it."  Inspiration is defined as "the thoughts of God implanted in the mind and soul of man."  Once the thoughts of God hits my soul, I don't need to run it by my intellect to know it is the truth.
Although I am not capable of turning my will and my life over to the care of God in Step Three,  I am capable of making a decision, a final choice to do so.  Deciding from this day forward, I am willing not to allow my thought process to be propelled by my human instinct but rather by the will of God through inspiration.   
If you have already made that decision, may God bless you and if you have not perhaps now would be the time for you to decide to turn your thoughts and behavior over to the care of God and begin to live your life in peace.

  If the Blog has been a help to you, on the Blog kindly click Armand and then My Web Page to download the audio files on my personal experience with the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  You can also find the files at Learn Out Loud .com

                           May God Bless You

                                 Armand

The Functioning Piece Of Alcoholism

                   I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have three basic instincts, a social, sexual and security instinct.  These instincts are God given and necessary for life but in me I can never get enough of  what it is I think I need.  The great psychiatrist Sigmund Freud defines an instinct as a bodily need manifested in our thought process.  So what occurs for us as alcoholics  is our instincts manifest themselves in our thought process and triggers our self centered fear.  I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol is but a symptom of our true malady.  Our true malady is self centered fear, afraid that we are not going to get what we want, afraid that we are going to lose what we have.  Once our fear is triggered we reach for our character defects in an attempt to satiate our instincts.  But in us we can never get enough of what it is we think we need.  Then we run around chasing our tail creating havoc in our lives but more importantly havoc in the lives of everyone around us.  This is THE FUNCTIONING PIECE OF ALCOHOLISM.
                  The solution to the problem of alcoholism is a vital spiritual experience, as we must give life to our relationship with God.  How? By letting go of our human nature so that our thought process is no longer propelled by our instincts but rather by the will of God through inspiration,   

The Primary Characteristics Of An Alcoholic

                 Today I was reminded of the work of Dr. Tiebout, a pioneering figure in the treatment of alcoholism.  He ran a rehab named Blythwood.  He knew "that the characteristics of the so called typical  alcoholic are a narcissistic, egocentric core dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent in maintaining at all costs its inner integrity."  In a careful study of a series of cases regarding the alcoholic by Sillman, Dr. Tiebout reported that Sillman felt he could discern the outlines of a common character structure among problem drinkers and that the best term he could find for the group of qualities was "defiant individuality and grandiosity."  Tiebout concurs with Sillman and states "inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from God or man.  The alcoholic is and must be the master of their destiny."  Tiebout continues "granted that more or less constant presence of these character traits, it is easy to see how the person possessing them has difficulty in accepting spirituality and God.  Spirituality by its demand that the individual acknowledge the presence of God changes the very nature of the alcoholic.  So, if the alcoholic can use the spiritual tools of recovery and accept the concept of the presence of a power greater than themselves, then he or she by that very step modifies presently and possibly permanently his or her deepest inner structure and when done so without resentment or struggle then they are no longer typically alcoholic."
                 In my own experience with the disease of alcoholism believe in God in and of itself is not enough, as I always believed in God.  That believe must also carry with it the component of trusting in God to the point of making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.  I would also like to add, today is all I have contingent upon my relationship with God in this day and in this moment.  
              

A Kernel

                 You know the day I stood in the parking lot drunk such a long time ago and the fortunate event that occurred as I bumped into the only person I knew who was in A A, the kindness he showed me by speaking with me and by taking me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that night.  There I raised my hand and said "my name is Armand and I am an alcoholic."  Some seven years passed from that first night until I could admit complete defeat.  The intervening years produced some difficulty in my life as a direct result of alcohol.  But fortunately I did survive and those seven years produced a bottom that I could push up from.
                Since that time I have been blessed with a passion for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous which has given me a life, a real life and I know that in order to keep it I must give it away.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says "the entire load must be given away."  It also states "our very lives as ex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others."  In the rooms when I see a newcomer or if it is someones first time to our home group I will walk up to them, shake their hand and introduce myself.  When anyone in AA asks for help of any kind but generally by them asking me to take them through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous by reading the Big Book together, I say "yes" as perhaps this is the day they receive their KERNEL of faith as I once did when I was blessed by kindness.  Through A KERNEL of faith maybe, just maybe they will be on their way to recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I Don't Know If It Is A Good Thing I Don't Know If It Is A Bad Thing

                 Many centuries ago there was a kingdom and in this kingdom there lived a farmer and this farmer had a beautiful white stallion.  The king of the kingdom desired the farmer's beautiful white stallion.  So the king sent an emissary to the farmer who offered the farmer  a quarter of the kings kingdom for the beautiful white stallion.  The farmer, he said no as I love my beautiful white stallion.   The very next day the beautiful white stallion ran away.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and say that is a bad thing that happened to you  You could have had a quarter of the kings kingdom and now your beautiful white stallion has run away.  The farmer he says, I don't know If It's a good thing I don't know If It's a bad thing all I know is my beautiful white stallion has run away.  The very next day the farmer is in his field and he looks up on the hill and what does he see?  He sees his beautiful white stallion and behind his beautiful white stallion are four more white stallions just as beautiful as his.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and they say.  It's a good thing you didn't trade your beautiful white stallion for a quarter of the king'  kingdom as now you have five beautiful white stallions.  You can probably get half of the kings kingdom!  The farmer he says, I don't know if it's a good thing I don't know if it's a bad thing all I know is I have five beautiful white stallions.  The very next day the farmers son is breaking one of the wild white stallions.  He is thrown from the stallion and breaks both his legs.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and say that is a bad thing that happened to you.  You need your son to work in the fields and now he can't as he has two broken legs.  The farmer he says, I don't know if it's a good thing I don't know if it's a bad thing all I know is my son has two broken legs.  The very next day the kingdom goes to war and all the able bodied men are being drafted into the army and thy will go to the front and they will surely die but the farmers son he can't go as he has two broken legs.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and they say that is a good thing that your son was thrown from the wild white stallion and broke both his legs as your son would have been drafted into the army, he would have gone to the front and he would have surely died.  The farmer he says, I don't know if it's a good thing I don't know if it's a bad thing all I know is my son can't go as he has two broken legs.
                  The moral of the story is that we are not to judge what is occurring in our life as good or bad but to have faith and to trust in God praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.



If the blog is helpful to you kindly click on Armand under My Profile and than click on my web page to bring you to the audio files A Ladder To Above - Sobriety To Spirituality which is my personal experience with the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  You can also access the audio files by going directly to Learnoutloud.com

                                    May God Bless You
                                       
                                         Armand  

                                       
                                            

Am I Entirely Ready

                 The Sixth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous is "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."  The original draft used the word "willing" instead of entirely ready.  I found it helpful to incorporate both in my Sixth Step so that I have the willingness to be entirely ready.
                 As an alcoholic it is difficult for me to give up control, as I want to apply some sort of cognitive therapy or behavioral modification in an effort to control my defects.  For me this is like applying a band aid to a festering infection.  Control of our defects is not the issue but rather that these human defects are not to exist in our behavior, as it is our defects that are keeping us from the perfection that God seeks in us which is to be the human being that God created us to be, thereby maximizing our human potential. 
                 When we are in the will of God our human character defects which exist in our nature cannot possibly manifest themselves in our behavior.
                 Yes I am willing to be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

A Fifth Step Story

                 Having shared the Fifth Step with myself and another human being, having exhibited a sense of humility, having acquired a clarity of mind and a sense of peace I was emboldened to complete the final piece of the Fifth Step.  That is to admit to God the exact nature of my wrongs.  I met my sponsor at a small chapel and initially I was fine until he swung open the doors to the chapel and I looked down the center isle to the alter.  I became immediately aware of the quiet and the state of holiness about.  I froze for a moment and swallowed hard.  I fully realized that in the next few moments I would experience the most profound event I had ever participated in.  In this time and in this moment I was to seek the forgiveness of God for all I had done wrong in the past.  We slowly knelt down and my sponsor prayed in the way that only he can and when he was done praying I shared the exact nature of my wrongs with God.  I had completed the Fifth Step.
                 Since then I have participated in many Fifth Steps with people that I have read the Big Book with and it is such a humbling experience to be a part of.  It is when I feel the most helpful as a human being and the most complete.  Recently I did a Fifth Step with someone and as we were leaving the Church he said "I know that for centuries people like you have helped people like me do what we did today, but today was the day that I had the opportunity to participate in it."
                Yes it is a special experience to feel the nearness of God and to share that with another.  It is an experience that is not meant to be missed.  A complete cleansing of the past, a sense of forgiveness and a clean slate of life coupled with a new relationship with God.

Humility As A Recovery Tool

                 The basis of all the AA Steps is humility and the spirit of humility is necessary as our egos must be deflated.  Certainly admitting to our innermost self that we are alcoholic, learning to trust in God and making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God were all steps on the road to humility.  In the Fourth Step, identifying who we are and acceptance of that certainly was ego deflating and humbling.  But for me, the biggest step in accepting humility, although not the last , was the Fifth Step where I share my Fourth Step list, the deepest darkest side of myself with myself, God and another human being.  In the Seventh Step we are offering all of ourselves, the good and the bad, to God to do with us as God would have us do so that our human character defects will not manifest themselves in our behavior.  Another step in humility occurs as we go out and make our amends reconciling the wrongs we have done in the past.  And finally the Eleventh Step, where a recovered alcoholic resides, as we are praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out, can only be manifested in a humble spirit.
                  It is humility which unlocks the door to the grace of God and only through a humble spirit may we recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.  Humility is necessary.   

Admit And Accept

                 In the Step Book it says and this is paraphrased, a continuous look back at our liabilities and a real desire to grow by this means are necessities for us.  We alcoholics have learned this the hard way.  More experienced people of course, in all times and places, have practiced unsparing self survey and criticism.  For the wise have always known that no one can make much of one's life until self searching becomes a regular habit, until one is able to ADMIT AND ACCEPT what is found. 
                Through my daily inventory I can now admit and accept that my character defects are a part of my human nature, a part of my nature that cannot manifest itself if I am living in the will of God.  I have come to understand that my human nature is defected and I must accept this about myself.
                In the program of Alcoholics Anonymous it is often said "let go and let God."  The let go is turning from the incessant prompts of our human nature and the let God is living in and thereby manifesting the will of God.  In the will of God, the nature of God, our character defects cannot be manifested in our behavior and it is here that our nature has been perfected as we have become the human being that God created us to be.
               Self survey is a powerful tool of recovery.  

The Eigth Step - Another Chance To Pray For And To Forgive

                 In the Fourth Step as I began working with the four column inventory of my resentments, fears and sexual conduct, my sponsor suggested that I begin to pray for and to forgive all those on my lists.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a prayer for each of these lists, three prayers in total.
                 The Eighth Step  "made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"  is ANOTHER CHANCE TO PRAY FOR AND TO FORGIVE all those on my lists and to begin doing the same with new situations which may arise.  We are already in possession of an Eighth Step list extracted from our Fourth Step inventory.  As we begin to pray for and to forgive all I am making a beginning on Steps Eleven and Twelve.
                  Prayer and forgiveness are essential tools if we are to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body  We learned in the Fourth Step that resentments toward others is the number one offender to a relationship with God, as we are called to love all, although we are never to be accepting of evil.
                The Eighth Step provides for us ANOTHER CHANCE TO PRAY FOR AND TO FORGIVE all those on our lists which is necessary to bring the Spirit to our Ninth Step amends,      

The Folly Of Control

                The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous says "as alcoholics our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls, either we insist on dominating people or we depend upon them for to much.  If we lean to much on people they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human to and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.  In this way our insecurity festers and grows.  When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires they revolt and resist us heavily.  Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, a sense to retaliate.  As we redouble our efforts at control and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.  We have not sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a successful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap or to hide underneath it.  This self centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with anyone of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."
                It is in the letting go of self and trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are and allows us to relinquish control.  The greatest gift I have received from the program of A.A. is to have true and honest relations with those around me.  We can learn how to interact with others through our interaction with God in the Eleventh Step.  We can learn how to love and how to allow ourselves to be loved   We can learn not to interact with other peoples personalities which we can like or dislike, but rather to interact with that part of them that is good, that is God.
              It is in the letting go of self and in the trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are  and ourselves as we are.  This allows us not only to relinquish control but to have no need or desire to control.

                

The Purpose Of Step Four

In the Third Step we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.  The Fourth Step is the next step in the process, the purpose of which is to find out what is it about me that is keeping the grace of God from my life.  It is through the grace of God that the healing occurs.
 Many spiritual traditions include a deep and thorough look at the past to discover the truth of what is uncovered.  Alcoholics Anonymous is no different.
As we work through the Fourth Step we may be getting the sense that the completed program of Alcoholics Anonymous will allow us possibly for the first time to be living our lives as God originally intended us to, free of the manifestation in our behavior of resentment, fear and anxiety.  We will then become the human beings God created us to be and we will maximize our human potential, as the manifestation of our human nature is perfected in the will of God.

Motivation To Complete Step Nine

                  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "we have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends.  Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in our past.  We attempt to sweep away the debris that has accumulated out of our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves.  If we haven't the will to do so , we ask until it comes ( a ninth step prayer).   Remember, it was agreed upon at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."   It was difficult for me to find the person to share my Fourth Step with and to share the exact nature of my wrongs with God.  However, I did and I found a sense of relief through the power of  forgiveness.  Now, here I am at Step Nine and it is somewhat daunting but easier as now I have the experience of God on my side.   The Fifth Step brought a sense of relief, the beginning of a serene life and for the first time since I was a small boy, I felt the presence of God in my life.  So knowing that sobriety is not enough, that I desired to be recovered, that the solution is a vital spiritual experience, and having a relationship with God in whom I trust, I therefore had plenty of motivation and the desire to have the humility necessary to make amends to the people I had harmed.
                I learned through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous not to consider any harm they had done to me and besides it was much easier to do so, as I was praying for and forgiving those on my list.  In the Big Book it states "under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue.  Simply we tell them that we will never get over our drinking until we do our utmost to straighten out the past.  We are there to sweep off our side of the street realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell them what they must do."
               This is how I approached the Ninth Step.  I began with my immediate family, you know life is funny and things don't always occur in the proper sequence.  My father was deceased and he passed before I had any consciousness that I owed him amends.  So I went to his grave and there grieved over his death and our life together.   My Mom although alive was having serious cognitive problems and although I was able to make verbal amends to her the amends came as she sank deeper into her illness and I was able to care for her.  My sister who was shocked in my attempt to make amends to her, so that all she could say was really, really!  And on it went.  To those I could not see and to those that did not want to see me, I sent a sincere and complete letter and prayed for the best for them.  It really did become easier as I moved through the list.  In the Fifth Step, I began to feel serenity and now with the task complete, I had extricated myself, through the grace of God, from the past and I was free - maybe for the first time in my life.    

The Healing Of Fear

                 Having admitted that I was alcoholic, thereafter I soon found out that alcohol of itself was not my problem, that alcohol was but the manifestation of my problem.  The real problem was self centered fear, afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted, afraid that I was going to lose what I had.
                In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says " that when dealing with the fear problem or any other problem, perhaps there is a better way as we are now on a different basis , the basis of trusting and relying upon God.  We trust infinite God rather than finite self.  We are in the world to play the role God assigns.  Just to the extent we do as we think God would have us do and humbly rely on God, does God enable us to match calamity with serenity.  We never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator.  We can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness.  The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage   All possessors of faith have courage.  They trust their God.  We let God demonstrate through us what God can do.  We ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what we should be doing.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear."
               The integration of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into my life  lead to a personal relationship with God, before that fear haunted all of my being in all of my moments driving all of my decisions in an attempt to satiate my instincts as I was afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted, afraid that I was going to lose what I had.  Today in this moment that can change and will change for all of us if  we are in alignment with the will of God for us.  If so we will know a peace we have never before experienced.

How Will I Know God's Will For Me

I am often asked,  HOW WILL I KNOW GOD'S WILL FOR ME.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "that it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times.  We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.  Nevertheless, we find that as time passes our thinking will be more and more on the plane of inspiration  We come to rely on it."  Inspiration is defined as "the thoughts of God implanted in the mind and soul of man."  Once the thoughts of God hits my soul, I don't need to run it by my intellect to know it is the truth.
Although I am not capable of turning my will and my life over to the care of God in Step Three,  I am capable of making a decision, a final choice to do so.  Deciding from this day forward, I am willing not to allow my thought process to be propelled by my human instinct but rather by the will of God through inspiration.   
If you have already made that decision, may God bless you and if you have not perhaps now would be the time for you to decide to turn your thoughts and behavior over to the care of God and begin to live your life in peace.

The Functioning Piece Of Alcoholism

                   I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have three basic instincts, a social, sexual and security instinct.  These instincts are God given and necessary for life but in me I can never get enough of  what it is I think I need.  The great psychiatrist Sigmund Freud defines an instinct as a bodily need manifested in our thought process.  So what occurs for us as alcoholics  is our instincts manifest themselves in our thought process and triggers our self centered fear.  I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol is but a symptom of our true malady.  Our true malady is self centered fear, afraid that we are not going to get what we want, afraid that we are going to lose what we have.  Once our fear is triggered we reach for our character defects in an attempt to satiate our instincts.  But in us we can never get enough of what it is we think we need.  Then we run around chasing our tail creating havoc in our lives but more importantly havoc in the lives of everyone around us.  This is THE FUNCTIONING PIECE OF ALCOHOLISM.
                  The solution to the problem of alcoholism is a vital spiritual experience, as we must give life to our relationship with God.  How? By letting go of our human nature so that our thought process is no longer propelled by our instincts but rather by the will of God through inspiration,   

The Primary Characteristics Of An Alcoholic

                 Today I was reminded of the work of Dr. Tiebout, a pioneering figure in the treatment of alcoholism.  He ran a rehab named Blythwood.  He knew "that the characteristics of the so called typical  alcoholic are a narcissistic, egocentric core dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent in maintaining at all costs its inner integrity."  In a careful study of a series of cases regarding the alcoholic by Sillman, Dr. Tiebout reported that Sillman felt he could discern the outlines of a common character structure among problem drinkers and that the best term he could find for the group of qualities was "defiant individuality and grandiosity."  Tiebout concurs with Sillman and states "inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from God or man.  The alcoholic is and must be the master of their destiny."  Tiebout continues "granted that more or less constant presence of these character traits, it is easy to see how the person possessing them has difficulty in accepting spirituality and God.  Spirituality by its demand that the individual acknowledge the presence of God changes the very nature of the alcoholic.  So, if the alcoholic can use the spiritual tools of recovery and accept the concept of the presence of a power greater than themselves, then he or she by that very step modifies presently and possibly permanently his or her deepest inner structure and when done so without resentment or struggle then they are no longer typically alcoholic."
                 In my own experience with the disease of alcoholism believe in God in and of itself is not enough, as I always believed in God.  That believe must also carry with it the component of trusting in God to the point of making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.  I would also like to add, today is all I have contingent upon my relationship with God in this day and in this moment.  

A Purpose Beyond Ourselves

                 Alcoholics Anonymous, what a ride!  Early on I heard "I wouldn't trade my worst day in AA for my best day when I was out there."  I was skeptical of these proclamations but the members sincerity could not be questioned as these people were just like me in that we all suffered from an illness, but they no longer had the struggle.  More importantly they seemed to be living an enjoyable and fulfilling life.  The other obvious characteristics were the openness and giving of not all the members but certainly the vast majority, as they seemed to have found a purpose beyond themselves in Alcoholics Anonymous and needed to disclose of themselves in order to grow in their purpose.  Now understand all of the above was difficult for me to accept in that I came from an environment and lifestyle where cynicism and skepticism are king and queen.  Certainly the only purpose I had in my life was to satiate my instincts and my own selfish desires. 
                 I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol is but a symptom of my true malady.  My true malady is self centered fear, afraid that I am not going to get what I want, afraid that I am going to lose what I have.  This fear propels us in an effort to satiate our instincts and to provide for our own selfish desires.  Integrating the program of Alcoholics Anonymous into our lives in such a way that it becomes our life takes us out of ourselves and in doing so we are given the power to help others.  That we become capable of putting others needs before our own is a direct result of the healing that occurs for us and is a miracle.  We know that we have found a purpose in our problem by helping others who are just like us to recover from their alcoholism and in so doing we are fulfilling A PURPOSE BEYOND OURSELVES.  

Power Of Prayer And Meditation

                   The Eleventh Step, the lifeline for the alcoholic.  "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out."  Prayer and meditation is not something I initially incorporated into my perception of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Why?  I don't really know why.  The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily.  I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability.  I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe not willing to allow me to pray and meditate daily to improve my conscious contact with God.  I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.   I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many.  But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts.
                  Then one day after a decade of sobriety I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground.  Unable to move for what seemed such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so.  I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain.  The subsequent M.R.I.disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenoses, degenerative vertebrae and a completely degenerated left hip.  This left me unable to function.  I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay.  The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table.  The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
                 I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that are preventing healing.  After some months of treatment with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature."  As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
                When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis.as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family.  After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within.  This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation.  Also on the 14th of June in the year 2001 while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something.  I had never had that feeling before.  At the age of 54 after 11 years of sobriety, I have self esteem.  My prayer for you is that if you haven't already that you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life.