The Eleventh Step, the lifeline for the alcoholic. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out." Prayer and meditation is not something I initially incorporated into my perception of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? I don't really know why. The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability. I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe not willing to allow me to pray and meditate daily to improve my conscious contact with God. I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many. But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts.
Then one day after a decade of sobriety I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground. Unable to move for what seemed such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so. I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain. The subsequent M.R.I.disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenoses, degenerative vertebrae and a completely degenerated left hip. This left me unable to function. I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay. The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table. The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that are preventing healing. After some months of treatment with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature." As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis.as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family. After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within. This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation. Also on the 14th of June in the year 2001 while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something. I had never had that feeling before. At the age of 54 after 11 years of sobriety, I have self esteem. My prayer for you is that if you haven't already that you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life.
Why I rejected prayer and meditation is no longer important to me. Defiance, arrogance, fear, indifference? More simply, my human nature driven by self will, was all I had and I couldn't let go. Until the certain consequences thrust me into a state of disillusion and emptiness. The pain (unlike yours) bent me to my knees. The Steps told me to begin each day with gratitude and to go from there. Gratitude expressed even momentarily is a prayer and gratitude as a vital part of my spirit enabled meditation. Daily involvement in AA's clear-cut Recovery process holds it all together peacefully.
ReplyDeleteMichael gratitude can come only from a humble spirit such as yours Humility is the key that unlocks the door to the grace of God...Thank you...great comment...Arrmand
ReplyDeleteThis comment is from Andrew
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely fantastic thoughts Armand... The last two blogs... everyone should read them... I'm going to redouble my efforts... I truly believe that prayer and meditation are the answers and the connection is within thoes realms where we will find God and peace... - Andrew S. Brown
Andrew welcome glad that you have commented..Your comment is the exact reason that I publish the blog. I am grateful that the blog has helped. Please keep reading and commenting...Thank you...Armand
ReplyDeleteThank you Armand for your honesty and the encouraging words. I can't wait to experience all the peace that comes by growing closer in a relationship with God
ReplyDeleteIbism great to have you comment again. I am glad that you are enthusiastic in growing closer to God. Your life will take on a new and rewarding meaning...Thank You...Armand
ReplyDeleteThere are times when I feel it to be impossible for myself to ever be able to meditate and pray successfully. I am a young alcoholic with a mind that is constantly racing with thoughts that are purely manifestedthrough self image alone. I cared about me, myself and I for almost my entire existence. As I try little by little and day by day to chip away at my cemented human nature and self will. I remember I am no special snowflake and I will never stop trying to develop the conscious contact with god that will make my life worth living. Thanks for letting me share Armand.
ReplyDeletePaul great to have you comment again. The difficulty you have in centering your mind is all the reason more for daily prayer and meditation, Stay with it as I know you will...Thank you Paul...Armand
ReplyDeletePrayer and meditation is essential to my recovery from a hopeless state of mind and body. As you have said so many times before, this disease is a soul sickness. The limited mind can accumulate knowledge to modify my behavior just as an actor can play the role of his or her characters. Do well with it and then return to themselves. Just as I did many times before when I continued to try my hardest to get sober. The strange concept of me trying was that, with this effort it helped generate my will, my human willpower . Did I not give that willpower up in my 3rd step? Oh yes I did! These 12 steps are meant to be honestly taken. If I'm not willing to be honest why bother? This is where I should be RIGEROUSLY HONEST as said in HOW IT WORKS. If not then I wasn't ready, had another drink in me. Or I was just constitutionally incapable. God does for me the things that I can't do for myself. So to stay in communion with God I must meditate daily & pray continually to help heal my soul sickness . NO prayer and meditation no growth !
ReplyDeleteDon great thought. The limited mind can accumulate knowledge to modify behavior just as an actor can play a role, do well with it and then return to themselves. I like to say I projected to the world what I thought the world needed to see in me so I could feel good about myself. Through the power of pray and meditation we can manifest the being God created us to be...Thank you...Armand
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