Motivation To Complete Step Nine

          The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends.  Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in our past.  We attempt to sweep away the debris that has accumulated out of our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves.  If we haven't the will to do so , we ask until it comes (a ninth step prayer).   Remember, it was agreed upon at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."   It was difficult for me to find the person to share my Fourth Step with and to share the exact nature of my wrongs with God.  However, I did, and in doing so I found a sense of relief through the power of  forgiveness.  Now, here I am at Step Nine of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and it is somewhat daunting, yet easier, as I now have the experience of God on my side.   The Fifth Step brought a sense of relief - the beginning of a serene life. For the first time since I was a small boy I felt the presence of God in my life.  I knew then that sobriety by itself was not enough, that I desired to be recovered. I knew that the solution was and is a vital spiritual experience and having a relationship with God in whom I trust. I therefore had plenty of motivation and desire to adopt the humility necessary to make amends to the people I had harmed - Step Nine.
          I learned through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous not to consider any harm that had been done to me. Besides, it was much easier to do so at that point as I was praying for and forgiving those on my list.  In the Big Book it states, "Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue.  Simply we tell them that we will never get over our drinking until we do our utmost to straighten out the past.  We are there to sweep off our side of the street realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell them what they must do."
          This is how I approached the Ninth Step.  I began with my immediate family. Life is funny. Things don't always occur in what is perceived and assumed as the proper sequence.  My father had passed before I had any consciousness that I owed him an amends.  I went to his grave and grieved over his death and our life together.   My mother was having serious cognitive problems and, although I was able to make a verbal amends to her, the amends came as she was sinking deeper into her illness and when I was actually able to care for her.  My sister, who was shocked in my attempt to make amends to her, could only say, "Really? Really?!"  And on it went.  To those I could not see and to those that did not want to see me I sent a sincere and complete letter and prayed for the best for them.  It did become easier as I moved through the list.
          In the Fifth Step I began to feel serenity and now with the tasks of the Ninth Step complete, I had extricated myself, through the grace of God, from the past - I was free, maybe for the first time in my entire life.    

The Healing Of Fear

               Thereafter having admitted that I was alcoholic I soon found out that alcohol in and of itself was not my problem, but was the manifestation of my problem.  The true problem was self-centered fear - afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted and afraid that I was going to lose what I had.
                In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says that, "When dealing with the fear problem, or any other problem, perhaps there is a better way as we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than finite self. We are in the world to play the role God assigns.  Just to the extent we do as we think God would have us do and humbly rely on God, does God enable us to match calamity with serenity. We never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All possessors of faith have courage. They trust their God. We let God demonstrate through us what God can do. We ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what we should be doing.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear."
               The integration of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into my life led to a personal relationship with God. Prior to that occurring, fear haunted all of my being, was in all of my moments, driving all of my decisions in an attempt to satiate my instincts. I was afraid that I was not going to get what I wanted and afraid that I was going to lose what I had.  Today, in this moment, that can change. That will change for all of us if we are in alignment with God's will for us and we will then know a peace we have never before experienced.

How Will I Know What God's Will For Me Is?

          I am often asked,  "HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT GOD'S WILL FOR ME IS?"  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "...that it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.  Nevertheless, we find that as time passes our thinking will be more and more on the plane of inspiration  We come to rely on it."  Inspiration is defined as "the thoughts of God implanted in the mind and soul of man."  Once the thoughts of God hit my soul I don't need to run it by my intellect to know it is the Truth.

          Although I am not yet capable of turning my will and my life over to the care of God in Step Three,  I AM capable of making a decision - a final choice - to do so.  Deciding from this day forward that I am willing to not allow my thought processes to be propelled by my human instincts but rather by the will of God through inspiration.   

          If you have already made that decision, may God bless you. If you have not, perhaps now would be the time for you to make it - to turn your thoughts and behavior over to the care of God and begin to live a life of peace.

The Functioning Piece Of Alcoholism

                        I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have three basic instincts, a social, sexual and security instinct.  These instincts are God given and necessary for life but in me I can never get enough of  what it is I think I need.  The great psychiatrist Sigmund Freud defines an instinct as a bodily need manifested in our thought process.  So what occurs for us as alcoholics  is our instincts manifest themselves in our thought process and triggers our self centered fear.  I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol is but a symptom of our true malady.  Our true malady is self centered fear, afraid that we are not going to get what we want, afraid that we are going to lose what we have.  Once our fear is triggered we reach for our character defects in an attempt to satiate our instincts.  But in us we can never get enough of what it is we think we need.  Then we run around chasing our tail creating havoc in our lives but more importantly havoc in the lives of everyone around us.  This is THE FUNCTIONING PIECE OF ALCOHOLISM.
                  The solution to the problem of alcoholism is a vital spiritual experience, as we must give life to our relationship with God.  How? By letting go of our human nature so that our thought process is no longer propelled by our instincts but rather by the will of God through inspiration,   

The Primary Characteristics Of An Alcoholic

                                 Today I was reminded of the work of Dr. Tiebout, a pioneering figure in the treatment of alcoholism.  He ran a rehab named Blythwood.  He knew "that the characteristics of the so called typical  alcoholic are a narcissistic, egocentric core dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent in maintaining at all costs its inner integrity."  In a careful study of a series of cases regarding the alcoholic by Sillman, Dr. Tiebout reported that Sillman felt he could discern the outlines of a common character structure among problem drinkers and that the best term he could find for the group of qualities was "defiant individuality and grandiosity."  Tiebout concurs with Sillman and states "inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from God or man.  The alcoholic is and must be the master of their destiny."  Tiebout continues "granted that more or less constant presence of these character traits, it is easy to see how the person possessing them has difficulty in accepting spirituality and God.  Spirituality by its demand that the individual acknowledge the presence of God changes the very nature of the alcoholic.  So, if the alcoholic can use the spiritual tools of recovery and accept the concept of the presence of a power greater than themselves, then he or she by that very step modifies presently and possibly permanently his or her deepest inner structure and when done so without resentment or struggle then they are no longer typically alcoholic."
                 In my own experience with the disease of alcoholism believe in God in and of itself is not enough, as I always believed in God.  That believe must also carry with it the component of trusting in God to the point of making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.  I would also like to add, today is all I have contingent upon my relationship with God in this day and in this moment.  
         

A Kernel

                        You know the day I stood in the parking lot drunk such a long time ago and the fortunate event that occurred as I bumped into the only person I knew who was in A A, the kindness he showed me by speaking with me and by taking me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that night.  There I raised my hand and said "my name is Armand and I am an alcoholic."  Some seven years passed from that first night until I could admit complete defeat.  The intervening years produced some difficulty in my life as a direct result of alcohol.  But fortunately I did survive and those seven years produced a bottom that I could push up from.
                Since that time I have been blessed with a passion for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous which has given me a life, a real life and I know that in order to keep it I must give it away.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says "the entire load must be given away."  It also states "our very lives as ex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others."  In the rooms when I see a newcomer or if it is someones first time to our home group I will walk up to them, shake their hand and introduce myself.  When anyone in AA asks for help of any kind but generally by them asking me to take them through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous by reading the Big Book together, I say "yes" as perhaps this is the day they receive their KERNEL of faith as I once did when I was blessed by kindness.  Through A KERNEL of faith maybe, just maybe they will be on their way to recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I Don't Know If It's A Good Thing I Don't Know If It's A Bad Thing

                              Many centuries ago there was a kingdom and in this kingdom there lived a farmer and this farmer had a beautiful white stallion.  The king of the kingdom desired the farmer's beautiful white stallion.  So the king sent an emissary to the farmer who offered the farmer  a quarter of the kings kingdom for the beautiful white stallion.  The farmer, he said no as I love my beautiful white stallion.   The very next day the beautiful white stallion ran away.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and say that is a bad thing that happened to you  You could have had a quarter of the kings kingdom and now your beautiful white stallion has run away.  The farmer he says, I don't know If It's a good thing I don't know If It's a bad thing all I know is my beautiful white stallion has run away.  The very next day the farmer is in his field and he looks up on the hill and what does he see?  He sees his beautiful white stallion and behind his beautiful white stallion are four more white stallions just as beautiful as his.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and they say.  It's a good thing you didn't trade your beautiful white stallion for a quarter of the king'  kingdom as now you have five beautiful white stallions.  You can probably get half of the kings kingdom!  The farmer he says, I don't know if it's a good thing I don't know if it's a bad thing all I know is I have five beautiful white stallions.  The very next day the farmers son is breaking one of the wild white stallions.  He is thrown from the stallion and breaks both his legs.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and say that is a bad thing that happened to you.  You need your son to work in the fields and now he can't as he has two broken legs.  The farmer he says, I don't know if it's a good thing I don't know if it's a bad thing all I know is my son has two broken legs.  The very next day the kingdom goes to war and all the able bodied men are being drafted into the army and thy will go to the front and they will surely die but the farmers son he can't go as he has two broken legs.  So all the people from the village come running out to the farmer and they say that is a good thing that your son was thrown from the wild white stallion and broke both his legs as your son would have been drafted into the army, he would have gone to the front and he would have surely died.  The farmer he says, I don't know if it's a good thing I don't know if it's a bad thing all I know is my son can't go as he has two broken legs.
                  The moral of the story is that we are not to judge what is occurring in our life as good or bad but to have faith and to trust in God praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.

A Purpose Beyond Ourselves

                        Alcoholics Anonymous, what a ride! Early on I heard "I wouldn't trade my worst day in AA for my best day when I was out there."  I was skeptical of these proclamations, but the sincerity of those members' claims could not be questioned, as those people were just like me in that they suffered from an illness (yet they no longer had the struggle).  More importantly they seemed to be living enjoyable and fulfilling lives.  I discovered the similar characteristics of openness and a willingness to give among many of them as they seemed to have found a purpose beyond themselves in Alcoholics Anonymous and needed to disclose the full truth of themselves in order to grow in their purpose.  Now please understand, all of the above was difficult for me to accept because I came from an environment and a lifestyle where cynicism and skepticism were king and queen.  The only purpose I had in life was to satiate my instincts and my own selfish desires. 
                 I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol is only a symptom of my true malady - self centered fear: afraid that I am not going to get what I want, afraid that I am going to lose what I have.  This fear propels us in our efforts to satiate our instincts and to provide for and meet the demands of our own selfish desires.  Integrating the program of Alcoholics Anonymous into our lives in such a way that it becomes our life takes us out of ourselves thence we are given the power to help others.  That we become capable of putting others' needs before our own is a direct result of the healing that occurs for us - this is a miracle.  We know when we have extracted a purpose (helping others who are just like us to recover from their alcoholism) from our problem we are indeed fulfilling A PURPOSE BEYOND OURSELVES.  

Power Of Prayer And Meditation

                                       The Eleventh Step is the lifeline for the alcoholic.  "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out."  Prayer and meditation were not something I initially incorporated into my practices of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Why?  I don't really know.  The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily.  I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability.  I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe, unwilling to pray and meditate daily to improve on a conscious contact with God.  I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.   I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many.  But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts and therefore, not on my agenda.
                  Then one day, after a decade of sobriety, I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground.  I was unable to move for what seemed like such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so.  I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain.  The subsequent M.R.I. disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenosis, degenerative vertebrae and a degenerated left hip.  This left me unable to function.  I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay.  The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table.  The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
                 I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that prevent healing.  After some months of treatment and with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature."  As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister - all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
                When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family.  After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within.  This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God,  was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation.  On the 14th of June in the year 2001, while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something.  I had never had that feeling before.  At the age of 54, after 11 years of sobriety, I had self esteem.  My prayer for you is that if you haven't already you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life.