A Kernel

The day I stood in the parking lot drunk such a long time ago a most fortunate event occurred. I bumped into the only person I knew who was in AA. Such kindness he showed me - by speaking with me and taking me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that very night.  It was there at that meeting that I raised my hand and said "my name is Armand and I am an alcoholic."  Some seven years passed from that first night until I admitted complete defeat.  Those seven intervening years proved difficult ones in my life as a direct result of alcohol.  Fortunately, I did survive a bottom those seven years produced from which I could push up from.
                Since admitting complete defeat I have been blessed with a passion for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous which has given me a life, - a REAL life. I know that in order to keep that life I must give it away.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says, "the entire load must be given away."  It also states, "Our very lives as ex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others."  In the rooms, when I see a newcomer or someone there for their first time to my home group I will walk up to them, shake their hand and introduce myself.  When anyone in AA asks for help of any kind, and certainly when I am asked by someone to take them through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous by reading the Big Book together, I say "Yes" - as perhaps that is the day they receive their KERNEL of faith, as I once did when I was blessed by another's kindness.  Through just a KERNEL of faith, maybe, just maybe, they will be on their way to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Written by Armand

How Will I Know Gods Will For Me

I am often asked,  "HOW will I know what God's will for me is???." The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "...that it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.  Nevertheless, we find that as time passes our thinking will be more and more on the plane of inspiration  We come to rely on it."  Inspiration is defined as, "the thoughts of God implanted in the mind and soul of man."  Once the thoughts of God hit our souls we do not need to run it by our intellect to know it is indeed the Truth.

          Although we are not yet capable of turning our will and our life over to the care of God in Step Three,  we are capable of making a decision - a final choice - to do so.  Deciding from this day forward we are willing to overturn our thought processes that are propelled by our human instincts in order that they may be ruled only by the will of God - which is received through inspiration. 

          If you have already made that decision, may God bless you and may He keep you. If you have not, perhaps now (this moment, right now) would be the time for you to make it... to turn your thoughts and your behaviors over to the care of God and begin to live a life of peace and a life of pure, unimpeachable joy.

Written By  Armand

Humility As A Recovery Tool

The basis of all 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is humility, the spirit of which is necessary in keeping our egos deflated. Admitting to our innermost self that we are alcoholic, learning to trust in God, and making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God are all steps on the road to humility.  In the Fourth Step, identifying who we are and acceptance of what that means is both ego-deflating and humbling.  As for myself, the most paramount of steps in which I accepted humility was the 5th Step, during which I shared my 4th Step - the deepest, darkest side of myself - with myself, God and another human being.

          In the 7th Step we offer all of ourselves, the good and the bad, to God - to do with us as He would do so that our human character defects do not manifest themselves in our behavior.  Another step in which humility occurs is the 9th Step,as we go out and make our amends, reconciling the wrongs we have done in the past. And finally the 11th Step, in which recovered alcoholics reside, praying only for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out. All of these steps can only be performed and will only be successfully taken with a humbled spirit.

          Humility unlocks the door to the Grace of God. Only through such a humbled spirit may we recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body - making humility absolutely necessary.

Written by Armand

The Resentment Prayer

While assembling my 4th step resentment list I found that the best way to cope with the resentments was to first pray for and forgive those that were on my list.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter "How It Works" it states, "...we realize that the people who had wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.  Though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us they, like ourselves, were sick too.  We ask God to help us grant  them the same tolerance, pity and patience we would grant a sick friend.  When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'Perhaps this is a sick person, how can I be helpful to them? God save me from being angry, Thy will be done.' God will show us how to take a kind and tolerant view of each and everyone."  As I drew closer to God this began to happen naturally, as it can as well for you.

         As an alcoholic I do find that resentment is the number one malfeasance to a serene and peaceful life. If we are to have a clear state of consciousness that is free of conflict; if we are to lead an addiction-free life - a life in which resentment doesn't cause such conflict in our mind then manifest in our behavior - then we must let go of all of our human resentments.  There is often no way possible to do this without the aid of the Highest Power.  "That One is God may you find Him now."

Written by Armand

The Functioning Piece Of Alcoholism

I have learned through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I have three basic instincts: a social, a sexual and a security instinct.  These instincts are God given and necessary for life, but in me I can never get enough of  what it is I think I need.  The great psychiatrist Sigmund Freud defines an instinct as, "a bodily need manifested in our thought process.".

       Through the twelve steps I have learned that alcohol is but a symptom of our true malady - our true malady being self-centered fear. We are afraid that we are not going to get what we want and that we are going to lose what we have.  Once our fear is triggered we reach for our character defects in an attempt to satiate our instincts, but we can never get enough of what it is we think we need. We are then left running around, chasing our tails, creating havoc in our lives but, more importantly, havoc in the lives of everyone around us. This malady of self-centered fear is the functioning piece of alcoholism and any other ism.

           The solution to the disease of addiction is a vital spiritual experience. We must give life to our relationship with God.  How? By letting go of our human nature so our thought process is no longer propelled by our instincts, but rather by the will of God through inspiration,  

Admit And Accept

In The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions it is written: "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way. More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and criticism. For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to ADMIT and ACCEPT what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.

      Through daily inventory we can admit and accept that our character defects are a part of our human nature, a part that cannot manifest if we are truly living in the will of God. We are completely capable of understanding, if the proper work on the 12 steps is thoroughly done, that our human nature is in fact defected. We must accept this about ourselves if we desire to be recovered.

       In the program of Alcoholics Anonymous it is often said, "Let go and let God."  The "Let go" part is turning from the incessant prompts of our human nature and the "Let God" part is living in, and thereby manifesting, the will of God.  Living in the raw-natured will of God, our character defects cannot be manifested in our behavior - it is in such a spiritual place that our nature can be perfected as we become the human being that God created us to be.

          Self-survey is a most powerful tool of recovery.

Written by Armand

An Admission Is Required

Step One in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous requires an admission to our innermost self that we are alcoholic.  As difficult as this is, we see the progression not only in the amount of alcohol we consumed but the negative effects the alcohol was having on our bodies and on our lives. This realization comes after we declare, "I am an alcoholic" (or "I am an addict") and after we had a desire not to drink and not to use.  We had to make an admission that we were powerless over alcohol, over drugs, over our reckless behaviors, and that our lives had indeed become unmanageable.  We drank, used, and behaved the way our disease willed us to and so many of us relapsed time and time again over events and circumstances in our lives. The happenstances of our lives are only excuses as the real reason we lapsed was because we only wanted or had one foot in the  program, and one foot out of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

          In Chapter Five of the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous entitled "How It Works" states, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program."  We can chose  not to thoroughly follow the path and so we do not completely give ourselves to this simple program as we are so very defiant by nature.  The result of such defiance is relapse (if we are lucky, death if we are not).

          It is true that an admission is required.  It is true that we must admit complete defeat.  It is true that our lives are unmanageable. It is true that we must admit to our innermost self that we are alcoholic, that we are addict, that we are amok with disease.  It is true that we must surrender to the program of AA.  Once we have made all of these admissions we must integrate the program of AA into our lives in such a way that it becomes our life.  Then maybe, just maybe, for the first time in our  existence we will have a life... a real life...a joyful, loved-filled life.

Written By Armand

The Primary Characteristics Of An Alcoholic

Today I was reminded of the work of Dr. Tiebout, a pioneering figure in the treatment of alcoholism and early supporter of Alcoholics Anonymous.  He concurred that "the characteristics of the so-called typical alcoholic are one who is narcissistic with an egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence and intent in maintaining, at all costs, their inner integrity."  In a careful study of a series of cases regarding the alcoholic by Sillman, Dr. Tiebout reported that Sillman felt he could discern the outlines of a common character structure among problem drinkers and that the best terms he could find to describe said group were, "defiant individuality and grandiosity."  Tiebout concurs with Sillman and states, "...inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from God or man.  The alcoholic is and must be the master of their destiny."  Tiebout continues, "...granted the more or less constant presence of these character traits, it is easy to see how the person possessing them has difficulty in accepting spirituality and God.  Spirituality, by its demand that the individual acknowledge the presence of God, changes the very nature of the alcoholic.  So, if the alcoholic can use the spiritual tools of recovery and accept the concept of the presence of a power greater than themselves, then he or she by that very step modifies presently and possibly permanently his or her deepest inner structure and when done so without resentment or struggle then they are no longer typically alcoholic."
                 In my own experience with the disease of alcoholism, the belief in God in and of itself is not enough, as I had always had a belief in God.  That belief must also carry with it the component of TRUSTING in God to the point of making a decision to turn my will and my life over to His care.  All we have today is contingent upon our relationship with God - in this day and in this moment.

Written By Armand

I Don't Know If It's a Good Thing I Don't Know If It's A Bad Thing

        Many centuries ago there was a kingdom and in this kingdom there lived a farmer. The farmer owned a beautiful white stallion.  The king of the kingdom desired the farmer's beautiful white stallion so he sent an emissary to the farmer who offered the farmer a quarter of the king's kingdom for his beautiful white stallion. The farmer said, "No, as I love my beautiful white stallion." The very next day the beautiful white stallion ran away and all of the people from the village came running out to the farmer saying, "What a bad thing that happened to you, you could have had a quarter of the king's kingdom and now your beautiful white stallion has run away."  The farmer said, "I don't know if it's a good thing, I don't know if it's a bad thing, all I know is my beautiful white stallion has run away." 

          The very next day the farmer was in his field when he looked up on the hill beyond and saw his beautiful white stallion.  Behind his beautiful white stallion were four more white stallions just as beautiful as his. All the people from the village came running out to the farmer saying, "It's a good thing you didn't trade your beautiful white stallion for a quarter of the king's kingdom, as now you have FIVE beautiful white stallions. You could probably get half of the king's kingdom now!"  The farmer said, "I don't know if it's a good thing, I don't know if it's a bad thing, all I know is I now have five beautiful white stallions." 

          The very next day the farmer's son was breaking in one of the wild white stallions when he was thrown from the stallion and broke both of his legs.  So now, all the people from the village came running out to the farmer saying, "What a bad thing that has happened to you. You need your son to work in the fields and now he can't as he has two broken legs."  The farmer replied, "I don't know if it's a good thing, I don't know if it's a bad thing, all I know is that my son has two broken legs." 

         The very next day the kingdom goes to war and all the able-bodied men are drafted into the army after which they will go to the front end and they will surely die. The farmer's injured son could not go as he had two broken legs.  So, all the people from the village came running out to the farmer saying, "That is a good thing that your son was thrown from the wild white stallion and broke both his legs, as he would have been drafted into the army, been sent to the front end and would have surely died."  The farmer replied, "I don't know if it's a good thing, I don't know if it's a bad thing, all I know is my son can't go as he has two broken legs."

          The moral of the story is that we are not to judge what is occurring in our life as "good" or "bad", but to have faith and trust in God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.