The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "we have a list of all
persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. Now
we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in our past. We
attempt to sweep away the debris that has accumulated out of our effort
to live on self will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will
to do so , we ask until it comes ( a ninth step prayer). Remember, it
was agreed upon at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for
victory over alcohol." It was difficult for me to find the person to
share my Fourth Step with and to share the exact nature of my wrongs
with God. However, I did and I found a sense of relief through the
power of forgiveness. Now, here I am at Step Nine and it is somewhat
daunting but easier as now I have the experience of God on my side.
The Fifth Step brought a sense of relief, the beginning of a serene life
and for the first time since I was a small boy, I felt the presence of
God in my life. So knowing that sobriety is not enough, that I desired
to be recovered, that the solution is a vital spiritual experience, and
having a relationship with God in whom I trust, I therefore had plenty
of motivation and the desire to have the humility necessary to make
amends to the people I had harmed.
I learned
through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous not to consider any harm
they had done to me and besides it was much easier to do so, as I was
praying for and forgiving those on my list. In the Big Book it states
"under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we
tell them that we will never get over our drinking until we do our
utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side
of the street realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished
until we do so, never trying to tell them what they must do."
This is how I approached the Ninth Step. I began with my
immediate family, you know life is funny and things don't always occur
in the proper sequence. My father was deceased and he passed before I
had any consciousness that I owed him amends. So I went to his grave
and there grieved over his death and our life together. My Mom
although alive was having serious cognitive problems and although I was
able to make verbal amends to her the amends came as she sank deeper
into her illness and I was able to care for her. My sister who was
shocked in my attempt to make amends to her, so that all she could say
was really, really! And on it went. To those I could not see and to
those that did not want to see me, I sent a sincere and complete letter
and prayed for the best for them. It really did become easier as I
moved through the list. In the Fifth Step, I began to feel serenity and
now with the task complete, I had extricated myself, through the grace
of God, from the past and I was free - maybe for the first time in my
life.
The whole purpose of sobriety, for me, in to know, love, and understand myself and my role in this life. More than anything, unwarranted fear directed me to another place, one of doubt, frustration, half-measures. Through activating and then incorporating The Twelve Steps into my life, I, at first, sensed that I had a chance. That sense was followed by a learned certainty which came from the openness that occurred when I began to trust, to understand and to incorporate. In the Ninth Step, much of the debris which had piled up had to be removed before my entry into the realm of the spirit - the forever realm. There are Promises in the AA program of Recovery which follow the sequential application of the previous Steps. In reading those, I knew that those Promises could become deliverables and that they would provide the emotional relief from which the opening of my spirit would follow. I began to feel clean and to develop a clean pattern of living as a result. The Ninth Step is where I began to feel clean,
ReplyDeleteMichael The process of completing Steps four through Nine allows me to uncover that which is blocking the grace of God from my life, confess those defects, ask God to remove them and finally reconciling with those around me who had received the brunt of my unaided self will. Having completed Step Nine I have dealt with my past and I now have the reward of living in the prese4nt in relationship with God...Thank You...Armand
ReplyDeleteI see and understand, now, the ninth step as a chance to breathe life upon that which may have been forever dead - my spirituality, my soul, my relationship with God Himself. It is a necessary step - to face those I have wounded and say from the deepest part of me (where love and truth reign free) with God beside me, that I am sorry. At first this step seemed almost selfish – clean MY side of MY street so MY chance at a life full and whole can be possible. But I see now, in doing this step, that this isn’t about me – this is about the program and the program is about others. I may have to bring up old rifts and historic battles in order to make clear the purpose of and intention for my amends – but it is yet a small price to pay for purifying my soul… I cannot give to others what I do not have.
ReplyDeleteCaitlin You articulate well some very important points, if on is to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. The first is the transformation of thought which is essential and must occur to recover. You said "at first this step seemed almost selfish - clean my side of the street so my chance at a full and whole life can be possible. But I see now, in doing this step, that it isn't about me - this is about the program and the program is about others." This is the miracle of the actual program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that we can and desire to place the needs of others ahead of our own. Secondly, you said "I cannot give to others what I do not have." The Spiritual Awakening which can occur in Step Twelve must occur for us if we are to help others receive the solution to their alcoholism...Thank you and I encourage you to comment more often... Armand
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