Admit And Accept

       In The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions it is written: "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way. More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and criticism. For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to ADMIT and ACCEPT what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.

      Through daily inventory we can admit and accept that our character defects are a part of our human nature, a part that cannot manifest if we are truly living in the will of God. We are completely capable of understanding, if the proper work on the 12 steps is thoroughly done, that our human nature is in fact defected. We must accept this about ourselves if we desire to be recovered.

     
          In the program of Alcoholics Anonymous it is often said, "Let go and let God."  The "Let go" part is turning from the incessant prompts of our human nature and the "Let God" part is living in, and thereby manifesting, the will of God.  Living in the raw-natured will of God, our character defects cannot be manifested in our behavior - it is in such a spiritual place that our nature can be perfected as we become the human being that God created us to be.

         
          Self-survey is a most powerful tool of recovery.

Written by Armand

Edited by Caitlin Alexandra

The 8th Step - Another Chance to Pray for and to Forgive

   As I began the fourth step of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I faced the four column inventory of my resentments, fears and sexual conduct.  My sponsor suggested that I begin to    pray for and forgive all of those on all of my lists.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a prayer for each of these lists - three prayers in total.
      The Eighth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all," is yet another chance to pray for and forgive all those on all of my lists and to begin doing the same with any new situations that may arise.  We are already in possession of an Eighth Step list - extracted from our Fourth Step inventory.  As we begin to pray for and forgive we are also making a beginning on Steps Eleven and Twelve.

       Prayer and forgiveness are essential tools if we are to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body  We learned in the Fourth Step that resentments toward others is the number one offender to a relationship with God, as we are called to love all, although we are never to be accepting of evil.

       The Eighth Step provides for us ANOTHER CHANCE TO PRAY FOR AND TO FORGIVE all those on our lists. This is necessary in order to bring the Spirit into our Ninth Step amends.     

Written by Armand

Edited by Caitlin Alexandra

The Folly Of Control

The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous says as alcoholics, " Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.  If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers.  When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily.  Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate.  As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.  We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."

         It is in the letting go of self and trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are and to relinquish control. One of the greatest gifts from the program of A.A. is to have true and honest relationships with those around us. We can learn how to interact with others through our interaction with God in the Eleventh Step.  We can learn how to love and how to allow ourselves to be loved   We can learn how not to interact with other personalities, which we can like or dislike, but rather to interact with the part of them that is good - the part of them that is God.

       It is in the letting go of self and the trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are (and ourselves as we are).  This allows us not only to relinquish control but to have no need or desire to control at all.

Written by Armand

Edited by Caitlin Alexandra

Motivation to Complete Step Nine

         The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends.  Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in our past.  We attempt to sweep away the debris that has accumulated out of our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves.  If we haven't the will to do so, we ask until it comes (a ninth step prayer).   Remember, it was agreed upon at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."  It was difficult for me to find the person to share my Fourth Step with and to share the exact nature of my wrongs with God.  However, I did, and in doing so I found a sense of relief through the power of  forgiveness.  Coming to Step Nine of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous was somewhat daunting, yet easier, as I then had the experience of God on my side.   The Fifth Step brought a sense of relief - the beginning of a serene life. For the first time since I was a small boy I felt the presence of God in my life.  I knew then that sobriety by itself was not enough, that I desired to be recovered.  I knew that the solution was and is a vital spiritual experience and having a relationship with God in whom I trust. Therefore, I had plenty of motivation and desire to adopt the humility necessary to make amends to the people I had harmed - Step Nine.

          I learned through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous not to consider any harm that had been done to me. Besides, it was much easier to do so at that point as I was praying for and forgiving those on my list.  In the Big Book it states, "Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue.  Simply we tell them that we will never get over our drinking until we do our utmost to straighten out the past.  We are there to sweep off our side of the street realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell them what they must do."

     
          This is how I approached the Ninth Step.  I began with my immediate family. Life is funny -things don't always occur in what is perceived and assumed as the proper sequence.  My father had passed before I had any consciousness that I owed him an amends.  I went to his grave and grieved over his death and our life together.   My mother was having serious cognitive problems and, although I was able to make a verbal amends to her, the amends came as she was sinking deeper into her illness and when I was actually able to care for her.  My sister, who was shocked in my attempt to make amends to her, could only say, "Really? Really?!"  And on it went.  To those I could not see and to those that did not want to see me I sent a sincere and complete letter and prayed for the best for them.  It became easier as I moved through the list.

       
          In the Fifth Step I began to feel serenity and, now with the tasks of the Ninth Step complete, I have extricated myself through the grace of God from the past - I was free, maybe for the first time in my entire life.

Written by Armand
Edited by Caitlin Alexandra

The Healing of Fear

       Thereafter having admitted that I was alcoholic I soon found out that alcohol in and of itself was not my problem, but was the manifestation of my problem.  The true problem was self-centered fear - afraid that I was not going to get what I want and afraid that I was going to lose what I had.
           In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says, "When dealing with the fear problem, or any other problem, perhaps there is a better way as we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than finite self. We are in the world to play the role God assigns.  Just to the extent we do as we think God would have us do and humbly rely on God, does God enable us to match calamity with serenity. We never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All possessors of faith have courage. They trust their God. We let God demonstrate through us what God can do. We ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what we should be doing.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear."
          The integration of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into our lives leads to a personal relationship with God. Prior to that occurring, fear haunted all of our being, was in all of our moments, driving all of our decisions in an attempt to satiate our instincts. We were afraid that we were not going to get what we wanted and afraid that we were going to lose what we had.  Today, in this moment, that can change. That will change for all of us if we are in alignment with God's will for us. We will then know a peace we have never before experienced.

Written by Armand
Edited by Caitlin Alexandra

How Will I Know God's Will For Me?

           I am often asked,  "HOW will I know what God's will for me is???." The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "...that it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.  Nevertheless, we find that as time passes our thinking will be more and more on the plane of inspiration  We come to rely on it."  Inspiration is defined as, "the thoughts of God implanted in the mind and soul of man."  Once the thoughts of God hit our souls we do not need to run it by our intellect to know it is indeed the Truth.

          Although we are not yet capable of turning our will and our life over to the care of God in Step Three,  we are capable of making a decision - a final choice - to do so.  Deciding from this day forward we are willing to overturn our thought processes that are propelled by our human instincts in order that they may be ruled only by the will of God - which is received through inspiration. 

          If you have already made that decision, may God bless you and may He keep you. If you have not, perhaps now (this moment, right now) would be the time for you to make it... to turn your thoughts and your behaviors over to the care of God and begin to live a life of peace and a life of pure, unimpeachable joy.

Written by Armand

The Functioning Piece Of Alcoholism

      I have learned through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I have three basic instincts: a social, a sexual and a security instinct.  These instincts are God given and necessary for life, but in me I can never get enough of  what it is I think I need.  The great psychiatrist Sigmund Freud defines an instinct as, "a bodily need manifested in our thought process.".

       Through the twelve steps I have learned that alcohol is but a symptom of our true malady - our true malady being self-centered fear. We are afraid that we are not going to get what we want and that we are going to lose what we have.  Once our fear is triggered we reach for our character defects in an attempt to satiate our instincts, but we can never get enough of what it is we think we need. We are then left running around, chasing our tails, creating havoc in our lives but, more importantly, havoc in the lives of everyone around us. This malady of self-centered fear is the functioning piece of alcoholism and any other ism.

           The solution to the disease of addiction is a vital spiritual experience. We must give life to our relationship with God.  How? By letting go of our human nature so our thought process is no longer propelled by our instincts, but rather by the will of God through inspiration,  

Written by Armand

Power Of Prayer And Meditation

The Eleventh Step is the lifeline for the alcoholic.  "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out."  Prayer and meditation were not something I initially incorporated into my practices of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Why?  I don't really know.  The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily.  I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability.  I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe, unwilling to pray and meditate daily to improve on a conscious contact with God.  I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.   I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many.  But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts and therefore, not on my agenda.
                  Then one day, after a decade of sobriety, I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground.  I was unable to move for what seemed like such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so.  I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain.  The subsequent M.R.I. disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenosis, degenerative vertebrae and a degenerated left hip.  This left me unable to function.  I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay.  The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table.  The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
                 I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that prevent healing.  After some months of treatment and with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature."  As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister - all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
                When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family.  After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within.  This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God,  was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation.  On the 14th of June in the year 2001, while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something.  I had never had that feeling before.  At the age of 54, after 11 years of sobriety, I had self esteem.  My prayer for you is that if you haven't already you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life.

Transformation

           In Chapter 2 of Alcoholics Anonymous titled "There Is A Solution" it is stated, "These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion.  Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body." So, although it is true that an alcoholic has a physical allergy it is the mental obsession which is of the utmost importance - a mental obsession that does not limit itself to alcohol.
                Alcoholism is a unique disease in that it is two-fold (as are most addictions in their nature).  We have a physical allergy which ensures us that each and every time we put alcohol or substances of any addictive nature into our system we get sick and we get drunk or we have the rush we chase after until we get into all kinds of trouble.  But of even more importance is that we have this mental obsession, which ensures that even though we don't want to drink and/or use, sooner or later our minds will tell us it's okay to do so. We will put the alcohol or the substance into our system thereby triggering the physical allergy and we will get loaded once again.
               Dr. Silkworth, the medical benefactor of Alcoholics Anonymous, in the letter he supplied to AA suggests that the thought processes of the alcoholic mind had to be transformed.  His letter goes on to state that this transformation of thought must occur and is essential if an alcoholic is to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.  In Bill's story he says, "Simple, but not easy, a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all" - a clear description of the transformation which must occur.
                This transformation of thought was difficult for me, even though I understood that it must occur. The difficulty was that I had no understanding of the power and pervasiveness of my human nature and how all-encompassing it is.  I felt a lot of fear in attempting to let go of my mind which was propelled by my human instinct as it was all that I had ever known.  But it is here, in this time and at this moment, when I want to let go and know I need to let go. It is here in this moment now that I must trust in God so that through His grace the transformation of thought may happen.

Written by Armand