The Eleventh Step is the lifeline for the alcoholic. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out." Prayer and meditation were not something I initially incorporated into my practices of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? I don't really know. The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability. I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe, unwilling to pray and meditate daily to improve on a conscious contact with God. I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many. But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts and therefore, not on my agenda.
Then one day, after a decade of sobriety, I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground. I was unable to move for what seemed like such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so. I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain. The subsequent M.R.I. disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenosis, degenerative vertebrae and a degenerated left hip. This left me unable to function. I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay. The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table. The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that prevent healing. After some months of treatment and with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature." As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister - all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family. After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within. This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God, was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation. On the 14th of June in the year 2001, while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something. I had never had that feeling before. At the age of 54, after 11 years of sobriety, I had self esteem. My prayer for you is that if you haven't already you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life.
I could pray ny rote, meditate by design, attend meetings regularly, and still not truly live the Eleventh Step. For years, I had a spiritual mentor with whom I'd spent hundreds of hours. And I still didn't understand the full working implication of Step Eleven. I now know that I was obfuscated by misunderstanding, lack of openness, and an attachment to ideas I had been taught but couldn't experience. I had to come to my own conclusions, and I simply hadn't. As Fred says in Chapter Three of The Big Book, I was going to have to "throw several lifelong ideas out the window." For me, that meant finding, actually locating A Power with whom to relate and in whom to trust. Through the guidance of a knowing sponsor and his guiding me through The Steps, I found that Power within me - the last place I would have ever looked. That, and the life that has followed has been the ultimate gift of my human experience. My spiritual energy is no longer propelled by me, resulting in spiritual frustration but by The Power Within me, resulting in spiritual fulfillment. When Bill said that a "price had to be paid," I understand what he meant. But it is the reward that can be fully lived.
ReplyDeleteMichael loved when you wrote "an attachment to ideas I had been taught but couldn't experience.' The integration of the 12 Steps of AA, as delivered through the Big Book, into our lives in such a way that it becomes our life is the difference between knowing the next right thing and living it. As you said "a price had to be paid." that price is the destruction of self centeredness...Thank you...Armand
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