The literature of Alcoholics Anonymous says as alcoholics, " Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."
It is in the letting go of self and trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are and to relinquish control. One of the greatest gifts from the program of A.A. is to have true and honest relationships with those around us. We can learn how to interact with others through our interaction with God in the Eleventh Step. We can learn how to love and how to allow ourselves to be loved We can learn how not to interact with other personalities, which we can like or dislike, but rather to interact with the part of them that is good - the part of them that is God.
It is in the letting go of self and the trusting in God that allows us to accept others as they are (and ourselves as we are). This allows us not only to relinquish control but to have no need or desire to control at all.
Written by Armand
Edited by Caitlin Alexandra
From my experience, this writing could have been entitled "The Folly of Me." Or, "The Falsity of My Life." The need for control was absolute, as I was desperately trying to hang on to a life that was certain to lead to nowhere good. My entire character was defective but I was too drunk, too sick to be aware of it. I had noone to trust and nowhere to hide. Then I found AA. Not immediately but over time, I learned in The Second Step that Trust could become the basis for a new life. That I must abandon myself completely in order to regain some control over my life, and the peace of mind that would follow the incorporation of all Twelve Steps into my life. Simple but not easy. It meant the destruction of my energy-draining ego, and the development of a relationship with The Power Within me. Today, in place of the need to abandon myself, I can fulfill myself by filling myself with That Power through conscious contact and the unthinking knowledge that follows. From the folly of control to the fullness of Trust.,
ReplyDeleteMichael With the awareness of God in this moment there is peace and in this state there is no need or desire of fear. The need to control is a manifestation of our self centered fear. A life lived in the will of God is complete as we have become the human being God created us to be therefore maximizing our human potential...Thank you so much...Armand
DeleteHumility implies setting aside control, and regaining "right sized" view of ourselves in relation to God and others. Surrender to great reality of God 24x7 brings the greatest blessings, beyond anything my ego might devise or attempt. Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.
ReplyDeleteSpiritual Being Couldn't agree with you more. Please read the reply from me to Michael's comment...Thank you ...Armand
DeleteMichaels conceprs "Falsity of my life", "folly of me" and "energy draining ego" as related to control based on fear driven reactions (character defects) are really brilliant. Ego-system behavior is highly inefficient, friction wrought, and often shame based under layers of fear and anger-resentment. Holding the many patterns of ego/masks in loving light of awareness is a process. My behavior can always improve. AA has taught me to learn from mistakes, rather than helplessly repeat them in drunk fogs. Repeating destructive patterns aren't easy to disrupt. It takes tremendous support, encouraging laughter in meetings, loving support and identification, and in my case an act of God's grace. The false self of ego slowly has eroded. My level of serenity and ability to go with the flow are great indications of a fragile ego in check. In my case layers of hurt and shame took time to unwind. I had so many defenses against vulnerability. The honest sharing in meetings and with dialogue with trusted program friends (old timers, sponsors, sisters in sobriety) reman invaluable to continued unfolding. Authenticity emerges with our best efforts to be emotionally honest. It's not easy for me to say or know "something in me feels scared." But I'm getting better at identifying fear driven behavior, the root of control issues. Fear "you will hurt me" or "not like me" are two biggies. Bill W writes in "The Language of the Heart" on ill affects in long term sobriety of a "self" that still heavily relied on what others thought about him.
ReplyDeleteSpiritual Being really like when you wrote "Holding the many patterns of ego/ masks in loving light of awareness is a process." In AA it is said "time takes time." The surrender of our nature to the will of God takes time primarily because we do not understand the pervasiveness of it and how all consuming it is...Thank you...Armand
DeleteYes, that is true. In the beginning for at least a year of AA meeting I felt the rest of "you"(in AA) might need to be restored to sanity but certainly not I. My arrogance knew no bounds even as I looked up defiantly from the gutter. Self awareness took time and remained illusive for a long time. Even today the twisted and tangled parts of me can get the upper hand inflating my ego's illusions of control. Ego deflating humility is one of sobrieties most important assets. The ego seeks to bolster its' importance at the expense usually of others. Alienation results when others don't like being used for my own self aggrandizement. The ego craves, grasps and seeks to control, while humility is an open handed gesture that is receptive to God's generosity, love and grace.
ReplyDeleteInstinctive good is also part of our humanity in my world view.
ReplyDeleteElephant mothers nurturing their young is one example. Many other examples in nature show an inmate capacity for caring, gentleness, kindness and wisdom. Most human infants have an expectation of kind treatment. The look of betrayal and hurt in a dog's eyes who is mistreated by "owners" is profoundly sad.
ReplyDeleteGenerosity, Civic Mindedness, Kindness, Creativity, Spirituality, Humor, Wisdom, Gratitude, Inventveness,,Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Love of Learning, Valor, Social Intelligence, Love, ....are traits people have in varying degrees innately. Alcohol overtime degrades using these character strengths. Renewing my capacity to use these natural strengths has been a great gift in sobriety. How useful are fear and resentment in cultivating joy compared to these Soul Strengths? I am happy and ready to let go of destructive fear and resentment by the grace of God!
ReplyDeleteSpiritual Being thank you for sharing your experience...Armand
DeleteCuriosity, Openness to experience, Open Mindedness, Perspective, Perserverence, Idustriousness, Integrity, Authenticity, Honesty, Vitality, Energy, Fairness, Leadership, Forgiveness, Humility, Prudence, Awe, Wonder, Hope, Purpose.... We are blessed with so many gifts from God. Their expression might be considered a window to Spirit and living on the plane of inspiration. Alcohol, egotistical maneuvering, selfishness, exaggerated fear (controlling), embedded shame and distorted drives/instincts don't appear on the happiness track.
ReplyDeleteSpiritual Being an apt description of a life where our thought process is propelled by our human instincts and the manifestation of that and an apt description of a life where our thought process is propelled by the will of God and the manifestation of that...Thank you...Armand
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ReplyDeleteList is from book "Character Strengths and Virtues" by UPenn Dr. Martin Seligman.
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