Our lives were lived to constantly fuel and satisfy our desires. We protected our instincts that were warped by fear and
self-absorption. We lived our lives in defiance wrapped around our own
self-centeredness - with extreme sensitivity and
grandiosity. Our nature could never initiate or sustain true, honest
relations with other human beings. We were forever searching
outside of ourselves, completely unaware that the solution to our
problem lay within. These lives we lived, fueled by fear and insatiable
desires to appease our human instincts, became so anxiety-filled that
we increasingly sought escape as a way to experience
ease and comfort within. We were a contradiction unto ourselves.
As for myself, the escape was the increasing use of alcohol
that led to addiction. I sought control over my addiction yet to no avail. This inability to control created a
series of very negative consequences in my l foife. I was driven by a
self-will that knew no boundaries. I constantly attempted to fix the
problem with my own internal drive. I was trying to solve my problem
with my problem. We cannot ever solve the problem with the problem.
I was unaware of the uniqueness of the disease... in that
it is two-fold. We have a physical allergy, which ensures that each
and every time we put the substance(s) into our system we will get sick,
drunk/high, and into all kinds of trouble. But, more importantly, we
have a mental obsession which ensures that even
though we don't want to drink or use or behave in such a way our disease
wants us to, sooner or later our minds will tell us it's
ok. We will satiate our desires, we will trigger the physical
allergy and we will ultimately succumb to the hand of addiction. Time
after time, using our minds to
create a way to control our disease and always failing to do so is proof to us that we can't solve the problem with the problem.
The solution to our problem with alcohol, with drugs, and with every
problem borne from our defective, ill nature is a relationship with God. Through
a vital
spiritual experience which we temper and enlighten with prayer and
meditation we foster such a relationship.
The experience occurs in our lives when the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics
Anonymous are integrated into it. We practice the steps in such a way
that they become our lives so that the problem will be solved.
Written by Armand
Edited by Caitlin Alexandra
In truth, I always had the notion that the solution to the problem lay within. However, I lacked the necessary resources to refine that notion into a way of living. My mind and its slavish workhorse, my will, were a confounding and woefully inadequate pair. I simply couldn't fix the broken hammer with the hammer that was broken. Drinking temporarily muted that internal conflict, until Bacchus boomeranged on me, bringing me to my knees. When I heard the phrase "psychic change" in The Big Book of AA, I sensed that there was something far deeper, far stronger in me than my my mind - The Spirit Within me. It has only been through incorporating The Twelve Steps into my daily life, and by a renewed commitment to the rudiments of Recovery that denial and angst have been replaced by acceptance and peace. The one thing my mind sought but was unable to give itself - peace - has come from the personal relationship with The Piwer Within me as forged through the Program of Recovrry. Without question, life has taken on new meaning. And the joy that comes from giving it away.
ReplyDeleteMichael Great line, "I simply couldn't fix the broken hammer with the hammer that was broken." Recovering from seemingly hopeless state of mind and body is serious stuff and the means necessary for that to occur is equally so. As Bill W says "simple but not easy, it meant destruction of self centeredness, we had to turn to the light in all things." A complete surrender of self to the will of God...Thanks...Armand
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