I had admitted I was alcoholic. I believed in God. I drank twice while a member of Alcoholics Anonymous - once for thirteen months and once for ninety days. Only after the second relapse did I fully realize that I had to make a choice. As the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. WHAT WAS OUR CHOICE TO BE?"
Early on I chose - God is everything. When I made that choice I had no idea of the power of the human instinct, how pervasive it is and how difficult it would be to turn from my nature and to live in the will of God. The second relapse brought me to a state of reasonableness in which I clearly saw that the surrender had to be absolute. In Bill's Story in the "Big Book" it says "Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all." What will you chose - He is and He is everything or the nothingness which envelops one in the darkness?
In the program of recovery I learned the difference between options and choices. I didn't choose my parents, siblings, schools, religion, etc. As vital as these inherent influences were, most became "mine" as the result of the choices others made for me. As life unfolded, I became an alcoholic. Not because alcoholism was the life I chose. But simply because I have the disease of alcoholism - a spiritual malady based on who really knows what. In my experience, my powerlessness, I believe, was due to the lack of connection to myself through The Power Within me. I was separated from my inherent wholeness. Therein existed the problem. Within existed The Solution. As an alcoholic who sought wholeness, I was able, through The Big Book based program of recovery, to first learn to trust, and then to integrate. For me, that meant to trust the Truth in Step Two, and then to integrate the Truth of all Twelve Steps into my life in such a way that they became my life. With that awareness and certainty, no further options need to exist. I have but one choice. Simple but not easy.
ReplyDeleteMichael "either God is or He isn't, either He is everything or He is nothing. What was our choice to be?" each and every alcoholic must answer this if they are to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body...Thank you...Armand
DeleteAs I’ve said many times before, having been brought to my knees through my own foolish efforts many years ago, I have discovered that any further attempts at even a “sober" self reliance are now acts of pure insanity. Yes, a life lived free from the slavery of alcohol is indeed a very brief proposition when I linger too long at the precipice of Step Three while continuing to entertain those same thoughts, behaviors and lifestyle choices that precipitated my demise.
ReplyDeleteI was then left with a final frightful choice, for the 12 step program of AA tells me there is only one way to bridge the gap to the "Father of Light" who was and is the only true path to freedom and the serenity that follows. But who is this God and how would I know for sure that He will even hear me? After all, It is one thing to believe in God and quite another to make a decision to surrender to His absolute sovereignty. For some, the living testimony of their sponsor and fellow AA's is enough. For others a little investigation into the history and practices of the founders will be essential and will clearly reveal that the miracle of regeneration they experienced, the strength they received, and the hope they conveyed to those still suffering is hidden in plane sight on almost every page of the very book they used before their personal testimony contained in the Big Book was ever published. That book is the Bible and the Gospel of Mark 9: 14 - 29 illustrates the answer..
For here we find a frantic father, desperately seeking relief for his demonized son. Not only out of the immense love for his son but no doubt to also be freed from the constant burden that caring for such an individual requires. No doubt he sought every local logical source of human and spiritual ingenuity available to effect a cure. All to no avail. He hears of the miraculous works of Jesus, a furtive hope is kindled, he sets out into the wilderness. But hopes are dashed as Christ's own disciples are impotent against the author of his sons's beastly captivity .
Jesus arrives on the scene, questions the father who relates his desperation, the failure of His disciples to effect a cure, then pleads "Have mercy on us and help us if you can." "If I can?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father's heart, then laid bare by Jesus's reply instantly cries out "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" Having laid his innermost need at the feet of the Master. He asked for a miracle to take him over the final crest of the mountain of his own unbelief and... It was provided! Jesus cast out the Demon and the son was instantly restored to full health. In that moment, the fathers willingness to surrender all of his instant and future fears, hope's and dreams to God transformed into a saving faith as they both became living testimony of what the world at large considers impossible.
He, like I, had no idea of what to expect, only that having tried all other manner of "cures" I finally became willing to acknowledge my true need and reach out in desperation to a Divine Hand unseen whose promise of recovery was still in my mind an improbable myth. However, this I did and my obsession for alcohol and the diseased thinking of a chronically alcoholic mind was removed as far as the east is from the west and so it has been for the past 35 years. It matters not how we come to the Mercy Seat. All that matters is that we are willing to come.
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic.
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic love the Prayer "I believe, help my unbelief."...Thank you...Armand
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