Our lives were lived to constantly fuel and satisfy our desires. We protected our instincts that were warped by fear and self-absorption. We lived our lives in defiance wrapped around our own self-centeredness - with extreme sensitivity and grandiosity. Our nature could never initiate or sustain true, honest relations with other human beings. We were forever searching outside of ourselves, completely unaware that the solution to our problem lay within. These lives we lived, fueled by fear and insatiable desires to appease our human instincts, became so anxiety-filled that we increasingly sought escape as a way to experience ease and comfort within. We were a contradiction unto ourselves.
As for myself, the escape was the increasing use of alcohol that led to addiction. I sought control over my addiction yet to no avail. This inability to control created a series of very negative consequences in my life. I was driven by a self-will that knew no boundaries. I constantly attempted to fix the problem with my own internal drive. I was trying to solve my problem with my problem. We cannot ever solve the problem with the problem.
I was unaware of the uniqueness of the disease in that it is a two-fold one. We have a physical allergy, which ensures that each and every time we put the substance(s) into our system we will get sick, drunk/high, and into all kinds of trouble. But, more importantly, we have a mental obsession which ensures that even though we don't want to drink or use or behave in such a way our disease wants us to. Sooner or later our minds will tell us it's ok. We will satiate our desires, we will trigger the physical allergy and we will ultimately succumb to the hand of addiction. Time after time, using our minds to create a way to control our disease and always failing to do so is proof to us that we can't solve the problem with the problem.
The solution to our problem with alcohol, with drugs, and with every problem borne from our defective, ill nature is a relationship with God. Through a vital spiritual experience which we temper and enlighten with prayer and meditation we foster such a relationship. The experience occurs in our lives when the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are integrated into it. We practice the steps in such a way that they become our lives so that the problem will be solved.
Written by Armand
Well said my brother, for no one is capable of willing away their own will and truth be told, Until we experience a Divine epiphany moment we have no desire to do so. From the very beginning of our earthly journey we instinctively turn to full throttle fits of rage until our demands are met, our bellies are full and a freshly powdered diaper is wrapped around our bottoms... Some of us have been fortunate in our upbringing and are lovingly given healthy boundaries. Some of us have been raised by wolves.... But with the help of God, all can recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
ReplyDeleteBut, I chose my own way, made my own plans and justified my excesses with nonsensical arguments that could only have been birthed in the dark dank cellar of a self-deluded mind. Life finally became a desperate race for any elixir to numb the pain of a journey with no meaning and a future destination too terrifying to contemplate. Alcohol became both vehicle and fuel for my afterburner fired journey through the gates of a living Hell... Yet, when all hope was lost, when death became the only frighteningly attractive option left, an Unseen Hand reached out from eternity and in the rarest moment of sanity, I cried out in desperation and remorse to that same God whom I had ignored and abandoned for most of my life.
And, In that very instant, in that very place, I discovered that God had been available and waiting all along. I simply chose to ignore Him. The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous reveal a Loving God's personal invitation, otherwise ignored by this once flint headed individual, to effect a radical change that finally brings us home. Today, I have no need to fear the future nor regret the past for I am convinced that He is more than able and faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me and all who humbly seek His face just one day at a time, every day of our lives, until we meet Him face to face.
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic as you articulated so well a personal relationship with God in this moment delivers to us the ability not to fear the future nor to regret the past...Thank you...Armand
DeleteThere are 3 ways in which I develop myself. First, its from the experiences I have had. The experiences I had up to 10/15/2006 for decades could not provide me any lessons that I could see about my drinking. The level of frustration we have all felt trying to drink like a normal person is something we all know. I'm no Albert Einstein, but I could not SEE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR of alcohol in all my distress; relationships, financial and liking myself. I was blind to my problem. Second, I learn from the books I read. I do read alot, but never thought to read up on drinking problems. I read self help books, history books and business books. But before I became a member of AA, I never thought to read up on alcoholism on my own. Uhmmm. I wonder why? And third, I learn from the people I meet. That was the end of my beginning, or beginning or my end, depending which side of the street you live at the moment. The first people who I met, although I didn't realize it until years later was God who gave my the grace to see exactly what I was doing to myself. It took a lot of pain and suffering to get my attention, but the desire to get in touch with AA did not come from myself. Once I walked into the rooms, HOPE entered the picture. I felt comfortable the people in the rooms understood what I was feeling, so I could then hear what they were saying. Then I met my sponsor who introduced me to the Big Book and took me through the process of recovery. A bit of a circle, but I couldn't learn from my experiences, I could not find the information I needed on my own, and I wasn't learning from the people I knew. So I had to learn from new people to know what books to read that led me to the experiences I currently enjoy. Gos is great!
ReplyDeleteJim Joe Walsh a guitar player with the Eagles wrote a song One Day At A Time. the chorus paraphrased - I was to blind to see that i needed a power greater than me one day at a time...thank you...Armand
DeleteA friend phrased it another way - "you can't fix a broken hammer with the hammer that's broken." In the program of recovery, we learn that we had to begin with a concession to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic - the first step in recovery. In finally touching my innermost self, I paradoxically found the source of the solution - deep down within me. But that solution would only become viable through the process of integrating all Twelve Steps into my life in such a way that they would become my life. In so doing, a relationship has been established with The Power Within me. Living under the guidance of That Power is the Solution. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteMichael inner most self is defined in the British dictionary as "a persons true or internal, mind, soul or nature. I know that without god I cannot be honest in an absolute way...thank you...Armand
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