The day I stood in the parking lot drunk such a long time ago a most fortunate event occurred. I bumped into the only person I knew who was in AA. Such kindness he showed me - by speaking with me and taking me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that very night. It was there at that meeting that I raised my hand and said "my name is Armand and I am an alcoholic." Some seven years passed from that first night until I admitted complete defeat. Those seven intervening years proved difficult ones in my life as a direct result of alcohol. Fortunately, I did survive a bottom those seven years produced from which I could push up from.Since admitting complete defeat I have been blessed with a passion for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous which has given me a life, - a REAL life. I know that in order to keep that life I must give it away. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says, "the entire load must be given away." It also states, "Our very lives as ex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others." In the rooms, when I see a newcomer or someone there for their first time to my home group I will walk up to them, shake their hand and introduce myself. When anyone in AA asks for help of any kind, and certainly when I am asked by someone to take them through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous by reading the Big Book together, I say "Yes" - as perhaps that is the day they receive their KERNEL of faith, as I once did when I was blessed by another's kindness. Through just a KERNEL of faith, maybe, just maybe, they will be on their way to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
Written by Armand
Michael C.
ReplyDeleteI never knew the defining word for the unawakened spirit within me but “kernel” is as appropriate as possible. How to awaken that spirit, that kernel - that was the question! Instinctively I sensed that left in its unawakened state, “that something” would eventually destroy me. Integrating all Twelve Steps into my life freed the kernel to grow in every way, particularly in understanding and effectiveness (Step Ten). As a result, the kernel has literally matured into a way of life - the way I’ve always wanted but couldn’t access under the fragility of my solely-inadequate resources. It took “into action”. And the ongoing action of giving myself away.
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Michael a life propelled by our human instinct due to our illness is an unawakened life. a life inspired by God is fully alive...Thank you...Armand
DeleteArmand,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
The "kernel" that first comes to my mind today is surrender… For it was a deep sense of desperation and humiliation that first drove me into the rooms of AA and it wasn’t a pretty picture. I was a living, walking, talking bundle of lies, half truths and self deception. But in that first meeting, I listened to another fearlessly and honestly sharing their innermost faults and failures all the while holding tightly to the promises of the program, and for the very first time I accepted and admitted the truth about myself.
It’s impossible to put into words the sense of freedom I felt when I finally admitted my condition and raised my hand to proclaim “ My name is Emil and I am an alcoholic.” Although I didn’t fully realize it at the time, that first act of true humility placed me on the threshold of Gods true purpose and plan for my life and although there were and still are life's challenges to overcome, the blessings of turning over my will and my life over to God as I understand Him 34 years ago are far too many to count... On the one hand I think of Moses, who believing he was born for a "special purpose" misappropriated his appointment with divine destiny, killed an Egyptian, fled to the desert, and was reduced to a shepherd in a foreign land for 40 years. Until, it is written, he "became the humblest man on the earth." It was only after he had learned to be a gentle and caring defender of a flock of sheep in the wilderness that he was deemed fit to be used by the Lord to lead Gods people to the promised land. And that with a patience and love for them that rivaled God Himself.
Then I ponder Saul of Tarsus, otherwise known as St. Paul, who acting out with self confessed rage and misplaced religious zeal, "persecuted the church of God and tried to destroy it."... That is, until his Damascus Road experience and instantaneous conversion which resulted in the rebirth of arguably the greatest messenger of the gospel the world has ever known. In each of these examples although hearts were broken and pride was crushed; the talents, personality, culture and even passions that formed their unique identity were preserved and even enhanced as their new personna's now possessed the right disposition to be used by God.
So whether my willingness to follow God's will takes forty years (it almost did), or occurs in an instant in time, it was true humility that opened the door to a faith that has lead to an ocean of Living Water and fathomless love, and like you, an almost indescribable empathy and deep desire to see that all who are seeking recoveries greatest gift humbly reach out and receive what is so freely given and can never be taken away.
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic however troubled our past may have been there is peace and love in the will of God...Thank you...Armand
DeleteIndeed you have Armand. I’ve seen you work tirelessly and unselfishly on behalf of anyone wo has reached out to you..... including me. And I remember the look on your face when I asked you to sponsor me. Somewhere between frustrated and horrified!!! But you did anyway. And I’ve been a better human being ever since. Infact, I could never have made it thru the last few years of my “dark days of the soul “had you not shown me THE LIGHT!
ReplyDeleteSo thank you and God bless you. And keep doing what you’re doing!!
Michael thanks for your very kind thoughts...Thank you...Armand
ReplyDeleteAdmitting complete defeat requires a major rearrangement of our ego and self centeredness. In the very early days of AA Dr. Bob required a new member to be sponsored or vouched for. He would take them into a separate room and asked the recruit to get on his knees and profess their surrender to the will of God. Immediately the new member must demonstrate their committment to the journey we must take to transform our lives. We must be spiritually reborn (or just born) in our new world.
ReplyDeleteJim surrender to the will of God is an ongoing process as Through experience we recognize the pervasiveness of our human nature...Thank you...Armand
ReplyDelete