Step One in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous requires an admission to our innermost self
that we are alcoholic. As difficult as this is, we see the
progression not only in the amount of alcohol we consumed but the
negative effects the alcohol was having on our bodies and on our lives. This realization comes after we declare, "I am an alcoholic" (or "I am an addict") and after we had a desire not
to drink and not to use. We had to make an admission
that we were powerless over alcohol, over drugs, over our reckless behaviors, and that our lives had indeed become
unmanageable. We drank, used, and behaved the way our disease willed us to and so many of us relapsed time and time again over events and circumstances in our lives. The happenstances of our lives are only excuses as the
real reason we lapsed was because we only wanted or had one foot in the program, and one
foot out of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
In
Chapter Five of the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous entitled "How It
Works" states, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly
followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or
will not completely give themselves to this simple program." We can chose
not to thoroughly follow the path and so we do not completely give ourselves to this simple program as we are so very defiant by nature. The result of such defiance is relapse (if we are lucky, death if we are not).
It is true that an admission is required. It is true that we must
admit complete defeat. It is true that our lives are unmanageable. It is
true that we must admit to our innermost self that we are alcoholic, that we are addict, that we are amok with disease. It is
true that we must surrender to the program of AA. Once we have made all of these
admissions we must integrate the program of AA into our lives in such a way that it
becomes our life. Then maybe, just maybe, for the first time in our existence we will have a life... a real life...a joyful, loved-filled life.
Written by Armand
Edited by Caitlin Alexandra
Regarding alcoholism, I found that there is an important difference between intellectual admission and spiritual admission. My innermost self has nothing to do with my mind. But it is the exact location of both my problem and its life-giving solution. My innermost self is a place I feared to tread as I could not bear to confront my emptiness. Through The Twelve Steps and their incorporation into my daily life, the deepest part of me has been freed to mine and share the gold of my existence with others. Not only has my life become worthwhile to me, its goldness has been enhanced and enriched by giving it away. The search for self led me to alcohol which led me to the program of recovery which led me to The Power Within me which led me to you which led me to me. I believe this is the path.
ReplyDeleteMichael great line "The search for self led me to alcohol which led me to the program of recovery which led me to the power within me which led me to you which led me to me." Imagine if you had not admitted to your innermost self that you were alcoholic where your human nature may have led you...Thank you...Armand
ReplyDeleteMichael, what you wrote about your innermost self being unbearable to tread, for fear of confronting your emptiness, was both powerful and inspirational... It makes me cringe to think of those times in which I was hardened, when I couldn't feel anything at all because the emptiness swallowed all of me that was good - all of me that wanted to live and wanted to thrive. That cavernous place only existed because I did not admit I was defeated. I did not even know what I was losing nor what I had lost - time, loved ones, a vigor for life. The effect this disease had on me was like a grip so strong around my throat that my vision started blurring. Once I came to an admission that all would be lost and loved ones forsaken without His aid, the grip slowly let up and my sight came back into focus on what mattered. First, it was just the absence of substances but then, it was the program - without which the fog may not have been lifted, I may not have seen and felt God again, and the life the 12 steps have blessed me with may have never been unearthed. The grip then being loosened, I knew from witnessing my sponsor's blessed spirit and every day divineness that to steer completely clear of such tight, lifeless reigns I must thoroughly and honestly give my soul and my heart to the program which had been awaiting me forever. Somehow I had taken all the wrong turns to end up at the foot of the right path - the one of grace and love. I had to admit my faults to rid of them; admit my wrong doings to forgive myself; admit my power was an illusion which could never realistically exercise itself over any substance, being, or situation; and admit that I was good and I am and always will be good as God is in me and remains.
ReplyDeleteCaitlin loved when you wrote "Somehow I had taken the wrong turns to end up at the foot of the right path - the one of grace and love." The good Lord loves us so much that in spite of our humanness He is always there,everywhere. I just love the concept of "not a good thing not a bad thing" for without the lash of alcoholism you would not have found your peace as you rest in the Lord...Thank you...Armand
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