Eleventh Step is the lifeline for the alcoholic. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out." Prayer and meditation were not something I initially incorporated into my practices of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? I don't really know. The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability. I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe, unwilling to pray and meditate daily to improve on a conscious contact with God. I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many. But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts and therefore, not on my agenda.
Then one day, after a decade of sobriety, I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground. I was unable to move for what seemed like such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so. I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain. The subsequent M.R.I. disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenosis, degenerative vertebrae and a degenerated left hip. This left me unable to function. I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay. The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table. The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that prevent healing. After some months of treatment and with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature." As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister - all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family. After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within. This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God, was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation. On the 14th of June in the year 2001, while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something. I had never had that feeling before. At the age of 54, after 11 years of sobriety, I had self esteem. My prayer for you is that if you haven't already you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life
Written By Armand
Despite all the years of religion, church, symbols, beliefs etc, I never knew the meaning of prayer let alone meditation. Prayer was recitation and meditation was quiet time. It took the merciless beating of alcohol and the merciful program of Big Book recovery to enable me to have these spiritual forces now guiding my life. My drinking had closed me and the integration of all Twelve Steps into my life re-opened me - to The Power Within me. Prayer and meditation are no longer the misunderstood instruments of a self-centered existence. They are the spiritual measure of a meaningful and peaceful life.
ReplyDeleteMichael love when you wrote 'merciless beating of alcohoal and the merciful program of Big Book recovery...Thank you...Armand
DeleteIn James 1:19 we are counseled: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” What wonderful counsel for the alcoholic in all of us, for who can deny the nonsensical blather we’d spew even while “sober” but especially under the influence! Listening was not my forte' and wisdom was still light years away. I was advised to read recovery literature and meditate upon it. This helped, but I wanted the source and soon discovered that before the Big Book was written and for some period thereafter, AA exclusively used the Bible in meetings and as a source of meditation. Specifically the Book of James and Proverbs. These 2 books of the Bible begin most all of my formal periods of meditation and this is precisely the formula I share with all whom I am blessed to counsel both in and out of season..
ReplyDeleteFor as I’ve shared before, every step is in the order it is for a reason and Step 11 is no exception. All are written in the past perfect tense and form of a collective testimony of those pilgrims who came before us and experienced the absolute relief from their condition that no human hand could have provided. This collective yet personal journey to and through sobriety, in all things, becomes the destination inspired and ultimately, through Gods grace, fervently desired. It is; in its entirety, God's gift to everyone who is willing to embrace the immutable truth of His Word and undeniable Presence of His Person the moment we make a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God. Remarkably, it is He who empowers us to seek and work out the rest through a power and grace that is surely not not our own..
If we do this, we soon discover that our old desires are being systematically swept away as a new life begins to unfold. Step 11 recognizes my new inner state and thirst to nurture and surrender to this ongoing and ever broadening relationship with the Creator, Maintainer and Lover of my soul. As I meditate on His Word I am becoming His new creation. I begin to gratefully rest in the fact that I'm no longer my own. Amazingly, I discover that not only have I been accepted by God but that, wart's and all, I've been called to become a disciple, that is, a follower of the One who initiated this now divinely desired relationship.
Moment by moment I discover my outlook is no longer hemmed in by space and time. And although it was always a part of His great plan, I realize that my personal epiphany began the instant I first admitted I was an alcoholic, my life had become unmanageable and made a decision to completely turn that life over to God and that; as the poet has written, "has made all the difference." I am convinced that the Creator of All continues to lovingly conform every aspect of this life into His perfectly holy personal prayer and eternal vision for all who come to him with a broken and contrite heart.
Any past personal confusion over the principal priority for my life dissolves as His ultimate plan and purpose is made immediately clear within in the very core of my being. Having once and forever been saved I'm now called to be a disciple, and yes, an evangelist, that is, a witness to the Source of Eternal Truth and Saving Grace to all those still trapped inside the insatiable, desperate loneliness of a life without hope and a world without love to the only true Source of endless eternal serenity, peace and rest. "That one is God, "and through his son Jesus Christ may you find him now.
A Grateful Recovering Alcoholic
A Grateful Recovering Alcoholic Alcoholics Anonymous manifested for me an insightful understanding of The Bible that had been missing before...Thank you...Armand
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