I had admitted I was alcoholic. I believed in God. I drank twice while
a member of Alcoholics Anonymous - once for thirteen months and once
for ninety days. Only after the second relapse did I fully realize that
I had to make a choice. As the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous
says, "When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we
could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition
that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or
He isn't. WHAT WAS OUR CHOICE TO BE?"
Early on I chose - God is everything. When I made that choice I
had no idea of the power of the human instinct, how pervasive it is and
how difficult it would be to turn from my nature and to live in the
will of God. The second relapse brought me to a state of reasonableness
in which I clearly saw that the surrender had to be absolute. In
Bill's Story in the "Big Book" it says "Simple, but not easy; a price
had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn
in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all." What
will you chose - He is and He is everything or the nothingness which
envelops one in the darkness?
Written by Armand
Edited by Caitlin Alexandra
Intellectually, I understood the question. And I tried as earnestly as I could to commit to the choice I verbally made. But there was nothing behind that decision. It was like choosing someone I knew about but didn't know, not even vaguely. The relationship wasn't personal, therefore, it was vapid, devoid of intimacy and trust. Simply, I didn't know where The Power was or how to be touched by it. It took The Twelve Steps of AA in their proper order and a knowing Big Book sponsor to guide me through the work and to The Power. As a result of that process, I began to know that The Power was within me, and always had been. Today, there is no choice. The Power Within is everything, the opposite of nothing. It took the annihilation administered by alcohol to lead me to AA. And then the program of recovery that is AA to lead me to me, and to The Power deep within me. That is everything.
ReplyDeleteMichael loved when you wrote "the relationship wasn't personal, therefore, it was vapid, devoid of intimacy and trust." When an alcoholic integrates the Twelve Steps of AA into there life in such a way that it becomes their life than that personal relationship leads that alcoholic to "God is, God is everything."..Thank you...Armand
ReplyDeleteIt is the times when I fall short of my faith, when I fail to feel and to remember God within me, that I lapse into darkness. I was indeed crushed by self-imposed crises during my addiction - but also after my sobriety began. It wasn't just when I became an addict, it was when I became me. From the unknown beginning of self-conflict to the wicked turn my human nature spun in response to life and its happenings (Or maybe just to life? Or to itself?) I have been susceptible to screwing everything up - and I am still just as prone to when my human nature wills its own way to promised destruction.
ReplyDeleteMy choice has to be made every single day upon awakening in which I try to reach for God within me with that absolute understanding He IS there and He IS my everything. I can try to change things and wish things into being or into nonexistence but to no avail - I cannot and I will not ever have that power. That power is divine and willing to hold up all that I am and morph the Spirit into me as long as I am willing to let it. So simple, but I have the tendencies to take everything with the attempt to hold the power of life and experiences and happenings in my hands. Never to succeed I am always pulled down with the weight of my own human nature like an anchor pulls its victim down until it hits the very, very bottom. I know there is only and always "upward" to go. I know there will always be love and light waiting for me. I know this because I chose Him.
Caitlin great line "from the unknown beginning of self conflict to the wicked toun my human nature spun in response to life and its happenings." For an alcoholic this response is driven my self centered fear, our true malady. The solution for an alcoholic's true malady is a vital spiritual experience. If we live in the will of god our response to life becomes a joy not only to us but to those around us...Thank you so much...Armand
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