A life lived to constantly fuel and satisfy desires; a protection of instincts that are warped by fear and self absorption; a life lived in defiance, self-centeredness, extreme sensitivity and grandiosity; a life, that never could initiate and sustain true and honest relations with other human beings; a life forever searching outside of myself and completely unaware that the solution to my problems lay within myself. This life, fueled by fear and an insatiable desire in an attempt to appease my human instincts, became so intensely anxiety-filled that I increasingly sought escape as a way to experience ease and comfort within myself, a complete contradiction. One of the forms of this escape was an increasing use of alcohol which manifested in addiction-an addiction I continually sought control of and increasingly found myself unable to do so. This inability to control created a series of negative consequences in my life driven by a self-will that knew no bounds. I constantly tried to address the problem of excessive alcohol use in my life with my internal drives. I was trying to SOLVE THE PROBLEM WITH THE PROBLEM.
I was unaware that I have A unique disease in that it is two-fold. I have a physical allergy which ensures that each and every time I put alcohol into my system I'll get sick, I'll get drunk,I'll get into all kinds of trouble but more importantly I have a Mental Obsession which ensures that even though I don't want to drink sooner or later my mind will tell me it's okay, I'll put the alcohol into my system I'll trigger the physical allergy and I'll get drunk again. Time after time, using my mind to create a way to control my use of alcohol and always failing to do so, has proven to me that I CAN'T SOLVE THE PROBLEM WITH THE PROBLEM.
The solution to our problem with alcohol and with every problem in our lives is a personal relationship with God through a Vital Spiritual Experience, honed and enlightened by Prayer and Meditation. This experience will occur through the integration of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into our lives in such a way that they become our life. Then, THE PROBLEM WILL BE SOLVED.
Written By Armand
There is almost nothing I can add to your keenly constructed delineation of the will problem. The fear and insatiability, the defiance and grandiosity, the total reliance on my misdirected human instincts knotted all together were bound to result in alcoholic despondence and isolation. My will was the unremitting workhorse of my thinking which was completely contaminated. Thus, I had to find another solution, or another solution had to find me. The awareness that the solution lay within me in the presence of The Power Within came only when I learned not just what The Steps were but how to incorporate them into my life in such a way that they became my life. This is the beginning of The Gift which is unending if I live my life in The Eleventh Step, praying only for the two essentials I was missing - knowledge and power. His Will, not mine and the Big Book program of recovery.
ReplyDeleteMichel ah yes the back half of the 11th Step, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the Power to carry it out as my nature will never do the will of God, my nature will only attempt to satiate my instinct...Thank you...Armand
DeleteWell said my brother, for no one is capable of willing away their own will and truth be told, we have no desire to do so. From the very beginning of our earthly journey we instinctively turn to full throttle fits of rage until our demands are met, our bellies are full and a freshly powered diaper is wrapped around our bottoms... Some of us have been fortunate in our upbringing and are lovingly given healthy boundaries. Some of us have been raised by wolves.... But with the help of God, all can recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
ReplyDeleteBut, I chose my own way, made my own plans and justified my excesses with nonsensical arguments that could only have been birthed in the dark dank cellar of a self-deluded mind. Life finally became a desperate race for any elixir to numb the pain of a journey with no meaning and a future destination too terrifying to contemplate. Alcohol became both vehicle and fuel for my afterburner fired journey through the gates of a living Hell... Yet, when all hope was lost, when death became the only frighteningly attractive option left, an Unseen Hand reached out from eternity and in the rarest moment of sanity, I cried out in desperation and remorse to that same God I had ignored and abandoned for most all of my life.
And, In that very instant, in that very place, I discovered that like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz the "ruby slippers" had been available all along. I simply chose to ignore them. The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are in a very real sense the "ruby slippers" of a Loving God's personal invitation, otherwise ignored by this once flint headed individual, to that radical change that finally brings us home. Today, I have no need to fear the future nor regret the past for I am convinced that He is more than able and faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me and all who humbly seek His face just one day at a time, every day of our lives, until we meet Him face to face.
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic. a life living in the present trusting in the Lord is a life of peace and joy...Thank you...Armand
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