Eleventh Step is the lifeline for the alcoholic. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out." Prayer and meditation were not something I initially incorporated into my practices of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? I don't really know. The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability. I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe, unwilling to pray and meditate daily to improve on a conscious contact with God. I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many. But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts and therefore, not on my agenda.
Then one day, after a decade of sobriety, I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground. I was unable to move for what seemed like such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so. I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain. The subsequent M.R.I. disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenosis, degenerative vertebrae and a degenerated left hip. This left me unable to function. I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay. The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table. The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that prevent healing. After some months of treatment and with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature." As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister - all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family. After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within. This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God, was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation. On the 14th of June in the year 2001, while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something. I had never had that feeling before. At the age of 54, after 11 years of sobriety, I had self esteem. My prayer for you is that if you haven't already you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life
Like you, I had years of difficulty with both prayer and meditation. In truth, my training in that realm held me back as did my natural defiance and grandiosity. It wasn't until I realized the freedom of self rendered from the first Ten Steps that I was able to incorporate a new level of personality into my relationship with The Power Within me. In short, I had to come to believe at a different depth. Once that transformation occurred, my relationship with The Power Within became something in which I actively participated - a comfort, a companionship, a certainty, a fulfillment, a conjoining of both my human and my divine natures. The relationship and, therefore, the communication through prayer and meditation is now a natural force of my whole nature. I know it's right.
ReplyDeleteMichael the characteristic shared by alcoholics is defiant individuality and grandiosity. A surrender to the will of God in the present prevents us from manifesting those character defects in our behavior...Thank you...Armand
Deletea Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic
ReplyDelete11. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Every step is in the order it is for a reason and Step 11 is no exception. All are written in the past perfect tense in the form of a testimony and as such forms a collective deposition and map of a journey on the road less traveled as the journey itself becomes the destination inspired and ultimately, through Gods grace, fervently desired. It is; in its entirety, God's gift to everyone who is willing to embrace the immutable truth of His Word and undeniable Presence of His Person the moment "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
While the old desires are being systematically swept away as the result of the previous steps. Step 11 recognizes my new inner compulsion to nurture and surrender to this ongoing and ever broadening relationship with the Creator, Maintainer and Lover of my soul. As I become His new creation I begin to recognize that I'm no longer my own. Amazingly, I discover that not only have I been accepted by God but that, wart's and all, I've been called to become a disciple of the One who initiated this divinely desired relationship moment by moment as I pass through this life called space and time. And although it was always a part of His great plan, I know now that my personal epiphany began the instant I "Admitted I was an alcoholic and that my life had become unmanageable" and that, as the poet has written, "has made all the difference", for I am convinced that the Creator of All continues to lovingly conform every aspect of this life into His personal prayer and eternal vision.
Any personal confusion over the principal priority for my life dissolves as His ultimate plan and purpose is made immediately clear in the very core of my being. Having once and forever been saved I'm now called to be a disciple, and yes, an evangelist, that is, a witness to the Source of Eternal Truth to all those still trapped inside the insatiable, desperate loneliness of a life without hope and a world without love to the only Source of eternal serenity, peace and rest. "That one is God, may you find him now".
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic the Eleventh Step is where an alcoholic must reside if they are to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. "Praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out."...Thank you...Armand
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