A Purpose Beyond Ourselves

                 Alcoholics Anonymous, what a ride!  Early on I heard "I wouldn't trade my worst day in AA for my best day when I was out there."  I was skeptical of these proclamations but the members sincerity could not be questioned as these people were just like me in that we all suffered from an illness, but they no longer had the struggle.  More importantly they seemed to be living an enjoyable and fulfilling life.  The other obvious characteristics were the openness and giving of not all the members but certainly the vast majority, as they seemed to have found a purpose beyond themselves in Alcoholics Anonymous and needed to disclose of themselves in order to grow in their purpose.  Now understand all of the above was difficult for me to accept in that I came from an environment and lifestyle where cynicism and skepticism are king and queen.  Certainly the only purpose I had in my life was to satiate my instincts and my own selfish desires. 
                 I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcohol is but a symptom of my true malady.  My true malady is self centered fear, afraid that I am not going to get what I want, afraid that I am going to lose what I have.  This fear propels us in an effort to satiate our instincts and to provide for our own selfish desires.  Integrating the program of Alcoholics Anonymous into our lives in such a way that it becomes our life takes us out of ourselves and in doing so we are given the power to help others.  That we become capable of putting others needs before our own is a direct result of the healing that occurs for us and is a miracle.  We know that we have found a purpose in our problem by helping others who are just like us to recover from their alcoholism and in so doing we are fulfilling A PURPOSE BEYOND OURSELVES.  

Power Of Prayer And Meditation

                   The Eleventh Step, the lifeline for the alcoholic.  "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out."  Prayer and meditation is not something I initially incorporated into my perception of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Why?  I don't really know why.  The only answer that I can come up with is that at some level I was still defiant, egotistical and lacked the humility necessary to pray and meditate daily.  I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I had worked the previous steps well and certainly to the best of my ability.  I was excited by the program of AA and all the promise it held for me but I have learned through experience that the human nature is a strong foe not willing to allow me to pray and meditate daily to improve my conscious contact with God.  I had taken many people through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.   I had read the first 164 pages of the Big Book hundreds of times and attended so many meetings that I can't begin to guess how many.  But prayer and meditation at the level necessary to perceive and do God's will, well that was not in my thoughts.
                  Then one day after a decade of sobriety I came home from the gym and stepped out of the car experiencing such sever pain that I fell to the ground.  Unable to move for what seemed such a long time but in reality was only a minute or so.  I had suffered from back problems most of my adult life but I had never experienced such severe pain.  The subsequent M.R.I.disclosed seven herniated discs, an arthritic spine, spinal stenoses, degenerative vertebrae and a completely degenerated left hip.  This left me unable to function.  I spent the next twelve months of my life incapacitated, ten months of which I was unable to sit as I had to stand or lay.  The medical community offered me a solution of surgery with a 15% chance of some improvement, heavy blood loss and five to six hours on the operating table.  The surgeon said that the surgery was so difficult that he would only encourage it if I could no longer tolerate the pain.
                 I was directed to a kind and loving doctor who has the ability to identify emotional blocks that are preventing healing.  After some months of treatment with some improvement he said to me as I was lying on the table, "I am picking up energy of a resentful nature."  As soon as he said this I instantly and clearly identified my mom, my dad, and my sister all of whom I had made amends to and prayed to forgive but at some level deep down inside the cells of my body I was unable to bring about the healing needed to release this resentful energy.
                When I returned home I immediately began to pray and meditate and did so on a daily basis.as I was unable to function, in severe pain and incapable of complete forgiveness for my family.  After several days I experienced a forgiveness for my family emanating from deep within.  This experience of forgiveness, through the grace of God was brought about by the daily practice of prayer and meditation.  Also on the 14th of June in the year 2001 while meditating, I knew for the first time in my life that my life was worth something.  I had never had that feeling before.  At the age of 54 after 11 years of sobriety, I have self esteem.  My prayer for you is that if you haven't already that you will incorporate daily prayer and meditation into your life.