The chapter on the fourth step in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions describes our dysfunctional relations well: "But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we failed to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being."
I went through my entire life unable to interact with others on an intimate level. I was incapable of allowing others to experience me as I truly was and I was unwilling to allow others to share with me their own true self. I would present to the world what I thought the world needed to see about me so I could feel good and safe about myself. In the past, the relationships I did have were of the type which, when I was done taking that which I wanted from them and them from me, the relationship was over. I was incapable of FORMING AND SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS in an honest and caring way with other human beings.
The greatest gift I have received from developing a personal relationship with God is the ability to interact with other human beings at an honest and true level - therefore forming and sustaining relationships that are caring and loving, loyal and trust-giving. My landing on such soil from which these relations sprout was done simply, but not easily, by going through the twelve steps of the program of AA. This can occur for any who return to the being God created and meant for them to be. When this does occur, human potential is maximized and becoming a recovered, unbroken being is completely possible.
In Step Eight, we learn that defective relationships were the cause of almost all of our immediate woes, including our alcoholism. Not the result, the cause! Thus, nothing would pay greater dividends than closely investigating this sad phenomenon. By integrating all Twelve Steps into my life, I found that my relationship with myself was the sole pervasive problem. The only solution was to find and live in a relationship with The Power Within me - All Power, Always There. Within that relationship, I am able to form and sustain relationships of the highest order with other human beings. And I have no desire to use alcohol as a sorry substitute for the reality of me. I have been freed to love myself and to accept the love of others in return.
ReplyDeleteMichael the inability to get along with others was always a result of my self centered fear...Thank you...Armand
DeleteArmand,
ReplyDeleteStarting Step 4 was a process for me. Before tackling this step, my life was built on fear. Fear of people. Of what they would think of me. Fear that I would lose what I had or not get what I wanted. As I went through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I made a decision to turn my will and my life (thoughts & behavior) over to God. By doing this, I began to have faith. And we all know that "Faith replaces fear."
I finally came to the realization that I am human. Therefore, I made many mistakes and harmed a lot of people that didn't need to be hurt.
When I finally sat down with my sponsor, he pointed out to me that my defects (sins) were not unique. In our Book, it says, "Resentment is the number one offender."
If you harmed me, I put you on my grudge list. And it most likely was because you damaged my pride. One of my spiritual advisors said to me, "God reveals to the humble, what he hides from the proud." So when I started the 4 column list, I could see how much my pride had been affected. It was much easier to see the things that were bothering me. I think that is where I learned to drop the word "blame."
I always wanted to be in charge. It didn't matter what the other person thought. Today, I have a new Manager. Each day I pray for His guidance and direction. Today I do have some true relationships and it is because I am able to listen and hear what they have to say. I may not always like it, but at least I have an open mind. That is just another gift I have received from Alcoholics Anonymous.
Thanks
Sid
Sid Just replied to Michael about self centered fear. right on...Thank you...Armand
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ReplyDeleteFrom my earliest youth I was taught the Way, the Truth and the Light... but I chose a path littered with bleached bones and broken glass. Everyone and everything I encountered was another opportunity to satisfy the ever growing insatiable appetites of a wounded scavenger whose only true skill was deception. Lying was my life. My life was my prison. Drinking my futile attempt to escape from the carnage left in my wake and to justify creating another.
But, somebody was praying for me. Perhaps it was a family member, perhaps it was a neighbor. Perhaps it was one of the many people I had harmed in my self-centered black hole of a life. But somebody was inspired by God to place me on their prayer list and having been miraculously delivered from a self imposed prison of misdirected survival skills that fund me at the precipice of an ignominious death, I was delivered. In the rooms of AA it was confirmed through the 12 Steps that I had to do what I already knew, surrender my life to God. I have passed my pen to the Master Planner and moved from prisoner to pilgrim.
It has not always been without struggle. Life is not a consistent encounter with rainbows and unicorns. I still must contend with the ever-present seductions of the world. And though now graciously subdued, the ever present calling of the appetites of my flesh. But throughout every encounter His grace abounds. This new life is no longer dependent totally upon me. The internal struggle is no longer encountered alone and the mystery for managing the transition has now been laid before me with a simple clarity that only comes through an ever expanding relationship with the only True Source of Power, Light and Love.
That divine gift of willingness, that "Grain of a mustard seed of faith," spoken of in Matthew 19-20; is no longer light years away. My willingness now grows by every encounter with life's former problems and perplexities into a deep and abiding faith. I can now experience Gods people as true brothers and sisters and desired gifts from above, as every encounter reveals the only true touchstones of faith, love and compassion growing an unyielding devotion to the Author and Finisher of this new journey and the unspeakable richness of the mind and plan of God.
In Steps 4 and 5 The Author provided the Holy Spirit who now resides within me. He reminds me of the simple steps that first brought me to this place. He teaches that truth without love is pride and that love without truth is mere sentimentality. That the purpose of life and all of His creation is an eternal relationship by, through and with Him that now allows me love my neighbor as myself.. When all around seems vexed and troubled. When external confusion's and conflict's abound. He compels the surrender of every encounter within life's lesson plan and gently reminds it has been lovingly written into eternity, just for me, that I may continue to discover Him as He truly is and you as you are truly are..
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic love when you wrote "truth without love is pride."...Thank you...Armand
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