Our lives were lived to constantly fuel and satisfy our desires. We protected our instincts that were warped by fear and self-absorption. We lived our lives in defiance wrapped around our own self-centeredness - with extreme sensitivity and grandiosity. Our nature could never initiate or sustain true, honest relations with other human beings. We were forever searching outside of ourselves, completely unaware that the solution to our problem lay within. These lives we lived, fueled by fear and insatiable desires to appease our human instincts, became so anxiety-filled that we increasingly sought escape as a way to experience ease and comfort within. We were a contradiction unto ourselves.
As for myself, the escape was the increasing use of alcohol that led to addiction. I sought control over my addiction yet to no avail. This inability to control created a series of very negative consequences in my life. I was driven by a self-will that knew no boundaries. I constantly attempted to fix the problem with my own internal drive. I was trying to solve my problem with my problem. We cannot ever solve the problem with the problem.
I was unaware of the uniqueness of the disease in that it is a two-fold one. We have a physical allergy, which ensures that each and every time we put the substance(s) into our system we will get sick, drunk/high, and into all kinds of trouble. But, more importantly, we have a mental obsession which ensures that even though we don't want to drink or use or behave in such a way our disease wants us to. Sooner or later our minds will tell us it's ok. We will satiate our desires, we will trigger the physical allergy and we will ultimately succumb to the hand of addiction. Time after time, using our minds to create a way to control our disease and always failing to do so is proof to us that we can't solve the problem with the problem.
The solution to our problem with alcohol, with drugs, and with every problem borne from our defective, ill nature is a relationship with God. Through a vital spiritual experience which we temper and enlighten with prayer and meditation we foster such a relationship. The experience occurs in our lives when the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are integrated into it. We practice the steps in such a way that they become our lives so that the problem will be solved.
Written by Armand
Michael C.
ReplyDeleteAt first glance it appears that there are two problems. In actuality, there is only one - me. As you so wisely point out, I cannot fix me with me. There must be someone or something else, as the problem must be fixed or it means certain death spiritually, then mentally and physically. In my experience, it is only by integrating all Twelve Steps into my life in such a way that they have become my life that I have not only become aware of the solution but of the presence of the Solution within me. In that process, I have actually become part of the solution, part of The Power Within me, and thereby empowered to live and love my life - and yours. From seeker to finder, from taker to giver. From problem to solution.
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Michael certainly takes time to surrender our will in the way necessary to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body...Thank you...Armand
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ReplyDeleteWell said my brother, for no one is capable of willing away their own will and truth be told, we have no desire to do so. From the very beginning of our earthly journey we instinctively turn to full throttle fits of rage until our demands are met, our bellies are full and a freshly powered diaper is wrapped around our bottoms... Some of us have been fortunate in our upbringing and are lovingly given healthy boundaries. Some of us have been raised by wolves.... But with the help of God, all can recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
But, I chose my own way, made my own plans and justified my excesses with nonsensical arguments that could only have been birthed in the dark dank cellar of a self-deluded mind. Life finally became a desperate race for any elixir to numb the pain of a journey with no meaning and a future destination too terrifying to contemplate. Alcohol became both vehicle and fuel for my afterburner fired journey through the gates of a living Hell... Yet, when all hope was lost, when death became the only frighteningly attractive option left, an Unseen Hand reached out from eternity and in the rarest moment of sanity, I cried out in desperation and remorse to that same God whom I had ignored and abandoned for most of my life.
And, In that very instant, in that very place, I discovered that God had been available and waiting all along. I simply chose to ignore Him. The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are in a very real sense the "ruby slippers" of a Loving God's personal invitation, otherwise ignored by this once flint headed individual, to effect a radical change that finally brings us home. Today, I have no need to fear the future nor regret the past for I am convinced that He is more than able and faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me and all who humbly seek His face just one day at a time, every day of our lives, until we meet Him face to face.
A Gratefully Recovering Alcoholic
A Recovering Alcoholic love when you wrote "no need to fear the future or regret the past." how true that is and what a wonderful experience it is...Thank you...Armand
ReplyDeleteSaid another way, "The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different result." I think Albert Einstein said it.
ReplyDeleteWell I drank the same way for decades. I drank until I either passed out or ran out of money. Every night. Always expecting different results as I imposed my will into the situation because I was smart and determined. But I didn't understand the disease. If I swore abstinence, I drank anyway. Once I put the booze to my lips I was out of control immediately. But even when I managed to abstain for a night, I was a miserable wreck. I was not worth being around. It took me walking into the rooms of AA to understand that only God could help me. But I didn't have a relationship with Him, so I needed to learn how to do it. Listen and understand how He communicates. He is a pretty awesome dude.
Jim thank you for sharing your personal expwrience... Armand
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